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影片压制：死亡骑士 字幕调校：死亡骑士 招募Q号：76846146
现在是二月中旬的某个凌晨 两点十八分 It's 2:18 in the morning in the middle of February.
我已经在公园长凳上 坐了将近四个小时 I've been sitting on a park bench for almost four hours.
我他妈的快要冻死了 I'm fucking freezing.
我干嘛要坐在这里？ Why am I sitting here?
坐在这条长凳上？ Why am I still sitting on this bench?
我想我最好还是倒回去 You know,it's probably best if I rewind.
给你解释一下 If I back up and explain.
每段爱情都有一个至关重要的时刻 Every relationship arrives at a critical moment,
那个紧要的关头 a juncture,
决定着你们是继续相处还是彼此错过 between moving forward and moving on.
我把这个时刻叫做"那么" I call that moment the "so."
那么 So...
现在算是怎么回事？ Where is this going,then?
我觉得吧 我觉得你挺好的 I think you're a... Like... I think you're amazing.
你是个挺好的姑娘 我吧 I think you're an amazing girl. I...
- 我觉得你这人特别好 - 算了 - I think you're an amazing person. - No.
我要跟你分手 I'm breaking up with you.
- 必须的 - 你要分手？ - I have to. - You're breaking up?
我很抱歉 杰森 我需要一个有所准备的对象 I'm sorry,Jason,I need somebody who's ready.
不能像你这样从麦片碗里喝咖啡的人 I need somebody who doesn't drink coffee out of a cereal bowl.
- 什么？- 你连个床架子都没有 - What? - And has a bed frame.
她跟我分手我并不奇怪 I wasn't confused because she was breaking up with me.
我上班要迟到了 I'm so late for work.
我奇怪的是 我不知道原来我们已经约会了 I was confused because I had no idea we were dating.
我跟你要的对象一点儿也不相符 I'm not even close to the guy you need.
我配不上你 The guy you deserve.
我真是 Like... I'm...
抱歉我不能跟你在一起 And I'm so sorry that I can't be that guy.
她的说法是 我们一起约炮 每周一次 已经一个半月了 In her defense,we'd been having sex,like,once a week for six weeks.
我真的要迟到了 I'm so late for work.
但是在我看来 这只是炮友阶段 连约会的门槛都还没进 But in my defense,that's a hookup approaching the seeing stage.
对不起 杰森 I'm sorry,Jason.
没关系 我理解的 No. I understand.
我理解 I understand.
我真正理解的是 在她跟我说分手的时候 And what I understood was,at that moment,
我们绝对还没开始约会 we were definitely not dating.
片名：尴尬时刻
哥们 你收到我的短信了没有？ Dude,did you get my message?
我十分钟以前就出门了啊 Man,I left,like,10 minutes ago...
快点 哥们 你迟到了 你大半天都干嘛了？ Come on,man. You're late. Look,what have you been doing?
我干嘛了？克里斯蒂刚刚跟我分手了 What have I been doing? Christyjust broke up with me.
克里斯蒂是哪个？ Oh,man. Who's Christy?
维拉 你在家吗？ Vera,you home?
我不知道家里有客人 I didn't know we had company.
你回来早了 You're home early.
对 我没去健身 Yeah,I skipped the gym.
这是我的律师 This is my lawyer.
哦 律师啊 Oh,your lawyer.
事实上 他是个很出色的律师 Actually,he's a very good lawyer.
出什么事了吗？ Is everything okay?
这么说 你妻子告诉你她跟别人上床 上的很爽？ So your wife said that she was having intense sex?
对 很爽 Yes,intense.
我都不敢相信她说了"很爽"这个词 I can't believe she said,"intense."
她就是这么说的 跟一个叫哈罗德的人 That's what she said. With a guy named Harold.
她告诉你这些的时候 她的律师就在边上坐着？ And while she said this,her lawyer was just sitting there?
他长得像莫里斯·切斯纳特 He looked like Morris Chestnut.
那是谁啊？ Who the fuck is Morris Chestnut?
就是《街区男孩》里面那个演员 From Boyz n the Hood.
- 演瑞奇的那个？- 对 - Ricky? - Yeah.
哥们 我超喜欢瑞奇的啊 Dude,I love Ricky.
再也不喜欢他了 Not anymore.
谁长成莫里斯·切斯纳特那副样子啊？ Who the fuck looks like Morris Chestnut?
- 是啊 根本不算好看 - 她的律师就长那样 - Yeah. That's not a strong look. - Her lawyer.
她的律师就像莫里斯·切斯纳特 Her lawyer looks like Morris Chestnut.
然后呢 他就坐在沙发上？ Okay,and he was just sitting there on the couch?
对啊 他为什么坐在沙发上不走呢？ Yeah,why was he just sitting there on the couch?
因为她想跟我离婚 'Cause she wants a divorce.
- 这可是 - 妈的 - That's... - Fuck,man.
- 不是在搞笑？- 真抱歉 - Are you kidding me? - I'm sorry.
讽刺的部分来了 她的律师 坐在那儿的律师 And here's the kicker,her lawyer,the guy sitting there,
长得像莫里斯·切斯纳特的律师 就是跟她上床的人 the guy that looks like Morris Chestnut,is the guy she's having sex with.
- 哈罗德？- 哈罗德 - Harold? - Harold!
操他妈的哈罗德 Fuck Harold.
天啊 Oh,man.
他 跟你说什么了没有？ Did... Did he say anything?
他说他喜欢我的鞋 He said he liked my shoes.
- 啥？- 他说什么？ - What? - He said what?
他说他喜欢我的鞋 He said he liked my shoes.
这 Well...
说的没错 你的鞋挺酷的 He's not wrong. They're cool shoes.
搞什么？我这是造了什么孽 What the fuck,man? I don't deserve this.
我不知道 咱们该怎么办啊？ I don't know what we're going to do,man.
我们得帮他找个鸡 We need to get him a hooker.
我们又找不起 We can't afford a hooker.
有优惠券的 我们给他找个便宜的 米奇能理解的 Yeah,we can use a coupon. Get him a cheap hooker. It's Mikey.
- 不行 不能这样 - 看这个"东村姑娘求雇" - No,we're not. - Look. "East Village girls for hire."
- 不行 - 就在这儿写着呢 - No. - Right there.
- 不行 - 就这样吧 - No. - Yeah.
这文章里说 According to this article,
东区的大部分酒吧里全都是鸡 most of the bars on the East Side are filled with hookers.
你知道吗 我爱你的一点就是 You know what I love about you
你读到什么就相信什么 is that you literally believe every single thing that you read.
- 我才没有 - 你有 - No,I don't. - Yes,you do.
好像你是个九岁的小屁孩 It's like you're nine years old.
没有 她们都是很年轻很酷的鸡 No,no. They're like young,cool hookers.
穿得很潮那类的 They dress like hipsters and shit.
我跟你说 我可不知道这是不是真的 And I'm telling you that I highly doubt that that is the case.
那杂志上为什么说的头头是道？ Then why would it be in a magazine?
我不知道啊 I don't know.
看这段 Read it.
"她穿得就像其他那些漂亮年轻的小东西 "She dresses like any other pretty young thing,
齐膝高的靴子散落在地板上 "knee-high boots strewn about the floor,
"旁边的抽屉里 安全套多得都冒了出来 "and a drawer filled to the hilt with condoms
"这一切都表现出了她私下里的兼职" "seemed the only indication of her sideline occupation."
挺棒的 不是吗？ How awesome is that?
你们好 我是弗莱德 Hey guys. It's Fred.
你好 弗莱德 Hey,Fred.
你知道我们现在不是在互讲电话 对吧？ You know it's not a phone. Right?
你就在我们面前 弗莱德 我们看得见你 You're actually here,Fred. We can see you.
完全看得见 Totally.
你们待会应该去做《西尔弗曼》那本书的展示了 So you're due to present on the Silverman book.
那么 So...
你们都准备好了吧？ You guys are prepared? Right?
我们会准时到的 We'll be in there.
这只是一张空白的板子 That's a blank board.
这是一片金矿 That's a gold mine.
我是说 我们已经给了你们很多样板了 I mean,we gave you stacks of examples.
你说的是这些吧？ You mean these. Right?
这些东西都烂大街了 走哪儿都能看到 What you're seeing there is exactly what you're gonna see everywhere else.
我们可以就用这些 And we can deliver that.
但是我们现在说到《不可预知的公主》 But when we're talking about The Unexpectable Princess...
- 这题目不错 - 非常非常棒的题目 - Which is a great title. - It's a wonderful,wonderful title.
但还是有那么点过于淡雅和无聊 But still,it's drowning in a sea of boring pastel.
你可不想要你的书变成那样 That's not what you want.
你不想的 And that's not what you need.
我知道你要什么 I think I know what you need.
他知道哦 I think he does.
书本的封面应该要暗示故事的内容 A book's cover should hint at the story.
同时又不要剧透太多 But not give away too much.
这本书讲的是愿望的实现 This is about wish fulfillment.
就用黑白 简单明了 Black and white. Cool and spare.
一份最近的市场调研报告显示 Now,a recent study using MRls
女性的大脑神经会变得异常喜悦 showed that women's brains lit up like fireworks
当她们看到 when they were showed pictures of...
鸡鸡的图片 A penis.
什么？ What?
- 不是的 - 不是 - No. No. - No.
- 不是的 - 不是 - No. - No.
不是的 No.
女性的大脑会变得异常喜悦 火花四溅 Women's brains lit up like fireworks
当她们看到 when they were showed pictures of
- 鞋子的图片的时候 - 鞋子 - shoes. - Shoes.
鞋子 Shoes.
没有能比布托牌高跟鞋更能让她们愿望成真的了 And nothing says wish fulfillment like Christian Louboutin.
随便问这屋里的一个姑娘吧 Ask any girl in the room.
我喜欢 I love it.
兄弟 你是在里面拉屎吗？ Dude,are you taking a shit in there?
绝对没有 Absolutely not.
每次你来我家 你都要在我家拉屎 Every time you come over,you take a shit in there.
我没有拉屎 我在涂美黑霜 I'm not taking a shit. I'm using self-tanner.
美黑？ Self-tanner?
没错 我告诉那个《时尚》杂志的小助理 Yeah. I told that assistant at Vogue
我不能跟她出去 因为我去法国土伦度假了 I couldn't hang out 'cause I was in Toulon.
想把她从我的花名册里抹出去 Trying to phase her out of my roster.
对了 我确实在拉屎 Also,I am taking a shit.
每次都这样 Every time.
你把东西都收拾出来了？ You did the retrieve? Huh?
就拿了些我能拿的 I just grabbed whatever I could.
- 嘿 米奇 - 你是不是在厕所拉屎？ - Yo,Mikey! - Were you taking a shit in there?
- 是的 - 天啊 每次都这样 - Yep. - Jesus! Every time.
- 我们要出去玩一玩 - 那是冰激凌吗？ - We're going the fuck out. - Is that ice cream?
你买了冰淇淋 迈克？拜托啊 You bought ice cream,Mike? Come on.
是啊 花生黄油巧克力味 Yeah. It's peanut butter chocolate.
很不错的口味 让我看看 That's a great flavor. Let me see it.
- 听着 我们要出去混 不能吃冰淇淋 - 不行 - Hey. We're going out. No ice cream. - No. No.
你看吧 威士忌跟冰淇淋吃不到一起去 You see,whiskey doesn't mix well with ice cream.
- 我需要这个 - 需要？ - I need it. - You need it?
- 没错 - 你需要冰淇淋？你多大了？青少年肥妹？ - Yes. - You need it? What're you,a fat teenage girl?
- 你是布里奇特·琼斯吗？- 啥意思？ - What're you,Bridget Jones? - Really?
- 都开始叫我外号了？我们这就开始了？- 没错 - Name calling? Is that what we're doing? - Yeah.
- 把冰淇淋给我 - 不给 - Give me the ice cream. - No.
- 给我 - 我知道你想干嘛 滚开啊 - Give me the ice cream. - I know that look. Get away from me.
- 给我冰淇淋 - 小人退后 - Give me the ice cream. - Back up,little man.
- 给我 - 快滚开 - Give me the ice cream. - Get off,man.
大家都别吃冰淇淋了 Nobody gets ice cream!
这就对了 That was awesome.
- 你干嘛把冰淇淋扔到窗外去？- 我们出去玩 - Did you throw it out the window? - We're going out.
我打赌你肯定没想到自己还能 再次享受这种感觉 I mean,I bet you thought you were never going feel this again,man.
这种兴奋 浑身干劲的感觉 谈恋爱的人是没有这种感觉的 The excitement. The energy. You don't get this in relationships.
我很久没出来混过了 都忘了我自己有多想念这一切 I've been out of the game so long I forgot how much I miss this.
你从来就没混过 你是个结了婚的医生 You were never in the game. You were a married doctor.
- 管他呢 - 你们想吃薄荷糖吗？ - Whatever. - Hey,do you guys want a mint?
- 想 - 来 这个给你 - Yeah. - Here we go. That's for you.
这是你的 That's for you.
哥们 这薄荷糖味道很奇怪 That's a weird mint,dude.
我知道 这是伟哥 Yeah,I know. It's Viagra.
吃了它你可以狂喝四个小时 然后还可以硬起来 You've got four hours to drink like Keith Richards and still get hard.
每部精彩的动作片都会有计时器 对吧？ Every good action movie has a ticking clock. Right?
两个白痴 Fucking idiots.
白痴 Idiots.
我知道 I know!
我现在已经醉了 I'm fucking drunk right now.
这就对了 Yeah,that's right.
我也等不及要喝得大醉了 I can't wait to get drunk.
我做不到 我不行的 I can't do this. I can't do this.
没事的 你可以的 Hey,come here. Yes,you can.
你可以的 你就摆出一副"我是个帅气医生"这样子就好 Yes,you can. You just need to be like,"Hey! I'm a good-looking doctor."
我就很喜欢你这样啊 米奇 No,it would work for me,Mikey.
- 会吗？- 真的 - Would it? - Yeah,it would.
我一定会很喜欢 That would totally work for me.
你好 切尔西 Hey! Chels!
天啊 我好喜欢你的鞋子 一直想买这样的 Oh,my God! I love your shoes! I've been looking for those.
谢谢 Thank you!
你真漂亮 Wow! You are beautiful.
这是我的朋友丹尼尔 他人很好 This is my friend,Daniel. He's amazing.
但他还是处男 But he's a virgin.
总会有机会的 There's always a catch.
高中毕业前我一直在努力破处的 I'm just trying to get laid before I graduate high school.
你好 我是索菲 Hi,I'm Sophie.
我知道 I know you are.
- 威士忌 - 好 - Whiskey. .. - Yeah.
- 我爱你 - 我们喝起 我也爱你 - I love you. - We're doing it... I love you,too.
我不认识那人谁啊 I've never met that guy before.
兄弟 你这边怎么样？ What's up,buddy? How's it going?
噢 Well,
我在一个全是混蛋的酒吧里 一个人喝闷酒 I'm drinking alone in a bar full of assholes.
而这里所有的姑娘 反而更喜欢那些混蛋们 And all these girls,they seem to like the assholes more.
哥们儿 你记得吗 在大学的前两年 Dude,do you remember when for,like,two years in college,
每个我看上的姑娘都喜欢你？ every single girl that I liked liked you?
- 丽贝卡·丹尼尔斯 - 对啊 丽贝卡·丹尼尔斯 - Rebecca Daniels... - Yeah. Rebecca Daniels.
- 她超漂亮 - 对 - She was hot. - She was.
她真是好姑娘 She was all right.
当年那个追到她的米奇呢？ Where's the Mikey that got her?
当年的米奇他妈的超棒 Because that guy was fucking awesome.
吧台那边有个姑娘在盯着你看 That girl's staring at you at the end of the bar.
- 我要看吗？- 不 先别 - Should I look? - No,not yet.
- 现在 - 别 - Now. - No.
- 现在 - 不 - Now. - No.
现在可以看了 Yeah,go ahead and look.
一个人消磨时间？ Night away?
没错 她跟哈罗德上床了 Yeah. She was fucking Harold.
总会有个哈罗德的 There's always a Harold.
总会有哈罗德 There's always a Harold.
当我还是个孩子的时候 我总是把自己卧室的窗户都打开 When I was a kid,I used to open all the windows in my bedroom
天气很冷 然后我就躺在自己的被子上 when it was freezing,and just lay on top of the covers.
为什么？ Why?
想知道无家可归是什么感觉 I wanted to understand what it felt like to be homeless.
你知道那种感觉吗？ Do you understand that feeling?
就感觉你一定要去知道？ Just needing to know?
哇 Wow.
我知道 I know.
那人长得像莫里斯·切斯纳特 He fucking looked like Morris Chestnut.
谁会长得像莫里斯·切斯纳特？ Who looks like Morris Chestnut?
根本就不好看 没人像莫里斯·切斯纳特 It is not a good look. Nobody should look like Morris Chestnut.
好吧 莫里斯·切斯纳特是谁？ Okay,who is Morris Chestnut?
看起来他是个不错的律师 Apparently,he's a great lawyer.
我写给你我的电话 Well,I wrote my number on this.
准备好了你就打给我 Use it when you're ready.
听着 现在你是想要我跟你回家吗？ Look,is this the part where we go home?
我今晚没有心情 'Cause I'm not really in the mood.
你坐着我的外套额 You're sitting on my coat.
哦 对 I am.
不好意思 I'm sorry about that.
没事 谢谢 It's okay. Thanks.
- 晚安 - 晚安 - Good night. - Good night.
嘿 Hey.
我想喝点东西 你要吗？ I'm gonna get a drink. You want a drink?
- 不用了 - 我请你喝东西吧 - No. I'm good. - Let me get you a drink.
- 一杯伏特加汽水 不行吗？- 不要了 - What,a vodka soda? - No,no,no.
- 我叫人 - 不需要了 - My man. - No.
- 来嘛 就喝一杯 - 哦 不用了 谢谢 - Come on. It's just a drink. - Oh,no. I'm good. Thank you.
反正我也要喝 给你来一杯吧 I need a drink,too. I'll get you a drink.
实话说 如果我喜欢你给我的酒呢？接下来会发生什么？ Honestly,what if I enjoy the drink? What happens then?
我倒想听听你觉得会发生什么 I'd love to hear what you think happens then.
我告诉你吧 I'll tell you what happens.
我们会跟你的两个室友玩啤酒杯乒乓球 We go play beer pong with your two roommates
然后跟你回到你在莫里山的住所？ until I end up back at yours in Murray Hill?
说的没错 你怎么知道的？ Yeah,that's right. How did you know that?
然后我们睡觉的时候就得听着你的两个室友 And then we'll have to listen to your roommate have sex with Hilary
跟希拉里还是艾米丽之类的姑娘上床的声音 or Emily or whatever the girl's name is until we fall asleep.
一年后 我们还是会在同样的酒吧 And then a year later,we're still playing beer pong
跟你的朋友玩着啤酒杯乒乓球 in the same bars with your friends.
不过到那时 你又多了一份对婚姻和做父亲的恐惧 Except now you feel pressure to get married and have kids
因为你知道我想要结婚和孩子 'cause you think that's what I want.
夏天的时候到汉普顿去跟他的父母度假 Then in the summers,drive up to the Hamptons to meet his parents,
在整条路上都会担心他的父母会不会 认为你不够漂亮 wondering the whole ride if they're going to think you're pretty enough.
- 还有聪明 - 整条路上都会担心 - Smart. - Wondering the whole ride,
他们会不会认为你不够聪明 if they're going to think you're smart enough.
没人能达到标准 之后我们还留下来喝垃圾香槟 Because no one is. And then we have to drink shitty chardonnay.
参加不入流的花园聚会 At a shitty garden party.
- 说些自己都不懂的屁话 - 跟周围不认识的人 - And have shitty conversations. - About shitty people.
还有他糟糕的老妈 With his shitty mother.
看看吧 她居然还觉得你不够聪明 Who,let's face it,doesn't think you're smart enough.
那漂亮呢 Pretty.
对 还觉得你不够漂亮 Who,let's face it,doesn't think you're pretty enough.
没人能达到她的标准 Because no one is.
永远没人 No one ever will be.
你们两个在搞我？我只是搭个讪买个酒 What was all that shit? Look,I'm just talking about a drink.
你想的不只是买个酒吧？ Yeah,but it wasn'tjust a drink,though,was it?
这算是求婚了吧 It was a marriage proposal.
婚姻？我没有 Marriage. No,I was...
伏特加汽水而已 Just a vodka soda.
去你妈的吧 我走了 Fuck you guys. I'm...
- 喝一杯？- 好啊 - Drink? - Yeah.
你太棒了 You're amazing.
我们走吧 Let's get out of here.
你喜欢吗？ You like that?
你坐在我的外套上了 You're sitting on my coat.
我用下你的厕所 I have to use your bathroom.
妈的 快接电话啊 Fuck. Pick up.
快接电话啊 Pick up. Pick up your phone!
哥们 我遇上大麻烦了 Dude,I have a serious problem.
你有麻烦？我也有麻烦了 我现在得尿尿 You got a problem. I got a problem. I gotta take a leak right now.
但我的鸡鸡硬的就像价格竞猜节目 里面那东西一样 And my boner looks like that thing on The Price ls Right.
鲍勃·巴克？ Bob Barker?
你个混蛋 你他妈说啥 Yeah,my dick looks like Bob Barker.
我是说硬的像停止转盘的那个棍棍 No,you asshole,that thing that stops the wheel.
- 什么？- 伟哥吃太多啦 - What? - I think I took too much Viagra.
我现在好想尿尿 I just really got to take a leak.
你就平着尿 You have to just get horizontal.
什么叫平着尿 Get horizontal? What the...
就 平着尿 You need to be horizontal.
- 我平着还是鸡鸡平着？- 都平着 - Me or the boner? - Both.
我不行了 我的鸡鸡跟我的身体都成直角了 I can't. My boner is perpendicular to my body.
你就试一试嘛 Just try it,man.
真他妈的是我听过的最瞎的主意了 什么啊 This is the stupidest idea I've ever heard of. What the...
根本就不 This isn't...
等等 兄弟 还真行哦 Wait,bro,it's actually working.
当然行了 不过听我说 哥们 Of course it is,but,dude,listen to me.
我觉得我无意中上了一个鸡 I think the girl that I just had sex with is a hooker.
什么？挺不错啊 What? That's awesome.
一点都不是 万一她让我付钱怎么办？ No! It's not awesome,man. What if she makes me pay?
我付不起啊 I don't have hooker money.
- 对哦 你没那么多钱 - 哥们 - You definitely don't have hooker money. - Dude.
怎么办啊 帮帮我 I don't know what to do,man. You gotta help me.
这样吧 如果她问你要现金 Okay,well,you know what? If she asks for cash,
你就假装说自己也是干男妓这一行的 you could pretend that you're a hooker,too,
然后你俩之间的价格正好抵消了 and maybe the rates would balance out.
你知道吗 你真他妈的太没用了 You are so fucking useless. Do you know that?
你的鸡鸡碰到水了吗？ Is your dick touching the water?
去你的 Fuck you.
你们两个 哪个美女用过美黑霜？ Which one of you divas uses self-tanner?
我用过 怎么了？ L do. Why?
昨天晚上我以为它是润滑油来着 Because I beat off with it last night.
你怎么不读说明啊？ Why... Why didn't you even read the bottle?
我有点喝高了 I was a little drunk.
- 怎么了？- 怎么了？ - What? - What?
我鸡鸡变成橘黄色了 My shit is orange.
- 看啊 - 哦 天啊 - Look at this! - Oh,my God.
好可怕 Oh,no.
谁知道这种事竟会发生在你身上呢 Who knew that could even happen to you?
我不知道你还会变色嘿 I didn't know you could change colors.
- 别笑了 - 你的鸡鸡就像条甘薯一样 - Stop. - Your dick looks like a yam.
- 你的鸡鸡好像交通锥标 - 别笑啦 - Your dick looks like a traffic cone. - Just stop.
你的鸡鸡好像一桶奶酪味的品客薯片 Your dick looks like a can of cheddar Pringles.
你俩还没完了是吧 That's fucked up.
你的鸡鸡好像斯派克·李看尼克斯的球赛一样 You dick looks like Spike Lee at a Knicks game.
如果你的鸡鸡跳到河里 就跟李将军一样的 If your dick was jumping over the river,it would be the General Lee.
行了 行了 你们两个蠢货昨天晚上干了些什么？ All right! All right! What happened to you two idiots last night?
我吓坏了 赶紧跑了 手足无措啊 I freaked out and left. I didn't know what to do.
那可是她的伙食来源啊 她就靠那点钱活着 It's her bread and butter. It's how she keeps the lights on.
你简直就是抢劫了一个鸡啊 You basically robbed a hooker.
我没有抢劫她 I didn't rob her.
你有 你抢劫了一个鸡 Yes,you did. You robbed this hooker,man.
- 你简直就是反过来的罗宾汉 - 我没有抢劫她 - You're like the opposite of Robin Hood. - I didn't rob her.
我是说 她这个人对我来说简直完美 And that's the thing. I mean,everything else about her was perfect.
聪明 有趣 I mean,she was smart. She was funny.
我想约的就是这样的姑娘 She was the kind of girl I would date.
如果她没有随便卖身的话 If she didn't,you know,happen to fuck random guys for money.
- 对 - 这就是你们俩发展爱情 - Yeah. - That's really the only thing
的唯一阻碍了 that's getting in the way of that relationship.
去你们的吧 Fuck you guys-
米奇 你有没有在脸书上加那个姑娘？昨晚遇到的眼镜妹子？ Did you friend that girl yet,Mikey? The glasses girl?
没呢 我觉得太快了吧 No. I mean,can you even do that that fast?
拜托 你得逗她笑啊 先把友好关系建立起来再说 Dude! You've gotta make her laugh. Get a rapport going.
- 对啊 - 快把你手机给我 - Yeah,man. - Give me your phone real quick.
把手机给他 现在这个社会讲究高效 Give him your phone. We live in an extremely efficient world.
你不动别人就上手了 Somebody else could be sealing the deal right now.
听着 昨晚我过的很不错 Listen,last night was amazing. Okay? I had a great time.
- 你们俩真是太好了 - 谢谢哦 - You guys were awesome. - Thank you.
知道吗？但是我现在得给维拉打电话 我们还有事要谈清楚 All right? But I'm gonna call Vera. We've got things that we need to work on.
- 别这样吧 不太好 - 拜托 - No. That's a bad move. - Come on.
- 你不会想这么做的 - 实在不太好 - You don't wanna do that. - Horrible move.
- 昨晚多快乐啊 - 对啊 - We had so much fun last night. - Yeah.
哇 Wow.
怎么了？ What?
她 She...
她换了 She changed it.
- 什么？- 什么？ - What? - What?
你说什么？ What are you talking about?
维拉 Vera.
她脸书的感情状态 原来她写的是"已婚" It used to say,"married," and now it says...
现在是空白 It says nothing.
我娶了个聪明的好姑娘 对吧？ All right,I married a smart girl. I married the right girl. Right?
大学毕业我直接就去了医学院 I went to med school right after college.
什么都没做错 I did what I was supposed to do.
该选的选项框我都选了啊 I checked the boxes.
但可能你没有选中她的框啊 But maybe what you did didn't check hers.
我们俩的选项是一样的 We had the same boxes.
真的一样吗？ Did you have the same boxes?
你需要更多关于选项的经验 Maybe you need a little more experience with boxes.
可能我们应该帮你找到更好的选项 Yeah,maybe we should lead you down the path to better boxes.
听着 你们俩 我不需要 Look,guys. I don't need that. All right?
我只需要给维拉打电话 修补我们的关系 I need to call Vera and I need to work this shit out.
我必须要给她打电话 这才是我应该做的 明白吗？ That's what I'm going to do. I need to call her,okay?
给她打电话 修补我们的关系 I need to call Vera. I need to work this shit out.
- 看到你这样我真心碎 - 是啊 - It kills me to see you like this. - Yeah.
嘿 Hey.
你始终有机会寻开心的 It's an opportunity to have some fun.
哥们 这是我们三个人的事情 我们三个人在一起 Man,this is about all of us,man. This is about all of us being together.
趁着现在我们都还年轻 When are we all gonna be unattached?
我们三十多岁的时候 结婚生子 In our 30s we're gonna settle down with kids.
过着无聊的日子 现在我们可以尽情玩乐 We're gonna live a boring life. It's about us right now.
我不知道 I don't know.
- 我们跟你一样保持单身 - 我不知道 - We're staying single with you,man. - I just don't know.
要单身一起翻身 We're staying single with you.
我们要尽可能地持续昨晚的 那种愉快的生活 We're gonna keep last night alive as long as humanly possible.
大家都不要谈恋爱 Nobody gets in a relationship.
不要改变自己的感情状况 Nobody changes their status.
好吗？ Right?
我加入 I'm in.
- 快点啦 - 快点 - Come on! - Come on!
迈克尔？你也加入吗？ Michael? Are you in?
去他妈的 我加入 Fuck it. I'm in.
- 所以，我们要去吗？- 对 - So,we going for this? - Yeah.
我是说 这个结尾太暗淡了 I mean,it's a pretty bleak ending to a book,
难道我们不该给读者一点希望吗？ so shouldn't we leave people with some hope?
在这个鸟不拉屎的地方 哪儿来这么伶俐一姑娘？ From where in the Midwest did this one wash up?
她刚从芝加哥硕士毕业 Fresh off her master's from Chicago.
什么学科的硕士？伤感科的？ Master's in what? Sentimentality?
不是吧 I don't think so.
我只是觉得你应该考虑一下各种可能性吧 I just think you have to believe in possibility.
亲爱的 这里是纽约 Sweetie. Welcome to New York.
你又年轻又漂亮 觉得整个世界都是你的 You're young and you're pretty and the world is yours.
但你现在连前妻都还没当过 But you're nobody's first wife yet.
我们都挺漂亮的 Well,we're all pretty...
- 看啊 这是谁驾到了 - 你好 - Look who's here. - Hi.
很高兴你们赶到了 Glad you could make it.
我要告诉大家 我对这本封面真的很激动 I gotta tell you I'm really excited about this cover,guys.
嘿 Hey.
- 来吧 - 好了 - Here you go. - Okay.
嘿 Hey.
妈的 Holy shit.
大家都还挺好吧？ Everyone. How's it going?
挺好 挺好 Good,good.
那么 给我们讲讲你们设计的这个封面吧？ So,do you want to tell us a little bit about your approach with this cover?
让我听听你们的解释 Yeah. I'd love a little explanation.
这个嘛 It...
就这样咯 It is what it is.
"就这样"？ "It is what it is"?
你拿到停车罚单这么说可以 That's what you say when you get a parking ticket.
我知道 I know.
我看着封面上这个人好像要逃走啊 It looks to me like the guy here wants to escape.
是吗？ Does he?
我们想要的是让他留下 这才是这个城市里男人的魅力之处啊 And we want him to stay. That's the fantasy of men in the city.
看起来她把这个男人带回家 It seems like she'll bring him home in the bag,
完全相信他 但当他们上过床之后 totally trusting him and then after they sleep together,
他证明了自己是个完全的混蛋 he'll prove to be too much of an asshole
连多呆几个小时都不愿意 to actually stick around for a couple of hours.
杰森 给我讲讲 这个人为什么不留下呢？ So tell me,Jason. Why wouldn't the guy stay?
我以为你是鸡啊 I thought you were a hooker.
- 什么？- 妓女啊 - What? - A hooker.
- 为什么？- 我还以为你是小姐 - Why? - There were hooker signs.
那是什么？ What's a hooker sign?
- 你穿着妓女才会穿的靴子 - 好多人都这么穿的 - You had on hooker boots. - Lots of people have them.
好多安全套啊 There were tons of condoms.
你有没有想过我的安全套这么多 Did you ever think they might be there
是因为我从来不用？ because I'm not having a ton of sex?
没有啊 我就以为这是鸡的征兆 No! I thought they were a hooker sign!
你到底在说什么啊 What's a hooker sign?
你看《O的故事》干嘛？ What about The Story of O?
写书的背景研究啊 That was research for a book.
还有信封里的现金？ There were envelopes full of cash.
我交房租都是用现金 这样我的房东就可以逃税 I pay my landlord in cash so that he can commit tax fraud.
你在纽约多久了 这都不知道？ How long have you lived in New York?
显然还不够久啊 Man,not long enough.
显然 Yeah.
等等 我能弥补我的错误吗？ Wait. Can I make it up to you?
让我弥补一下吧 Let me make it up to you.
你真的想弥补我？ You wanna make it up to me?
可以吗？ Can I?
我不知道 I don't know.
我给你我的电话吧 You can have my number.
另外 And...
说不定你可以哦 Maybe you can.
哥们 人人都知道 别随便说一个姑娘是鸡 Yeah,dude. Everybody knows you can't call a girl a hooker.
鸡都不愿意被叫做鸡 Even hookers hate being called hookers.
我准备跟艾莉试试看 I'm gonna bring Ellie around.
不要啊 No,you're not! No,you're not.
我要把她放进我的花名册 I'm gonna get her on the roster.
等等 什么花名册？ Wait. A roster?
对啊 花名册啊 Yeah. A roster.
就是一个姑娘的名单 It's a group of girls that you're hooking up with
她们平时只跟你打炮 也不用担心表错情 that keeps you from sending the wrong message.
- 什么情情况？- 就是说你并不想跟她们约会 - Which is what? - That you wanna date one of them.
你也应该做一个花名册 You gotta start building a roster.
能够帮你度过失恋这一段 Yeah. It'll help ease the transition a little.
- 不要 我不需要花名册这东西 - 你绝对需要 - No,no. I do not need a roster. Okay? - Yes,you do.
我连一个姑娘都留不住 I can't keep one girl.
你怎么会认为我能应付的了一堆姑娘？ What makes you think I can handle a bunch of them?
不需要啦 你只需要在短时间内 跟这些姑娘交往一下 You just keep a bunch of them for a short period of time
然后再把她们送到花花世界 and then you send them out into the world to flourish.
- 就像大学生？- 对 - Like college kids. - Yes.
或者说是资本家也没错 Or like capitalism.
然后你再重新做一个新的花名册 And then you replenish the team.
就把它看成一个心灵和肉体上的 Think of a roster like a spiritual and physical...
主要是肉体上的 Mostly physical.
对男性灵魂的回春剂 ...rejuvenation of the male soul.
你们俩还有人性吗？ Which you guys clearly don't fucking have.
就像做疗养 Think of it like a spa.
给你的鸡鸡做疗养 A spa for your cock.
- 对 鸡鸡疗养 - 没错 - A cock spa. - Yep.
对她们你可以使出浑身解数 You just got to use whatever skills that you have available to you.
姑娘们喜欢个性的 Girls love personalization.
你俩真是白痴 You guys are idiots.
你才是白痴 You're an idiot.
维拉 Vera!
听着 我并不是想打扰你 Look,I'm... I'm sorry to barge in on you.
你来干什么？ What are you doing here?
好吧 听我说 Okay,look.
我知道这可能有点尴尬 I know that this is an awkward thing to do,but...
我最近身体不太舒服 I have been having some pain.
我就是 And I just...
我不知道 I don't know.
你需要我的帮助 对吗？ You came because you needed my help.
我是来道歉的 真的 I came to apologize. I did.
- 你只是想要我帮忙 - 米奇 - You came because you needed my help. - Mikey.
我 一直在想着你 I just... I've been thinking about you.
之前发生的事是个误会 It really was just a simple misunderstanding.
是啊 我自己想过了 如果我连这点幽默感都没有 Yeah,it was like,"What kind of girl would I be
我算是个什么样的人啊？ "if I didn't eventually find it funny?"
那你就跟其他姑娘一样咯 You'd be probably every other girl in the world. I think.
真的很抱歉 I'm really sorry.
我跟其他人不一样 But I'm not every other girl in the world.
对 No.
我觉得你也不一样 I guess you're not.
然后我就发展出自己的生活方式咯 And then I kind of developed my own style,I guess.
那现在你 And now you...
主要是设计书封 Design book covers.
也干些别的 Amongst other things.
那你一定能很容易让人相信 Well,I guess you get people to believe in something enough
让人想买你设计的封面的书 to want to buy it.
我做的就是让人相信表面 I get people to believe in the surface.
正好就是小时候父母教育我不要去做的 To do the one thing your parents told you not to do.
以貌取人 To judge a book by its cover.
确实 Exactly.
- 难道我们不该这么做吗？- 当然不应该 - We weren't supposed to do that. - You weren't supposed to do that.
看吧 还有人鼓励我 See? I was encouraged.
父母教育真是太失败了 Another example of just plain awful parenting.
那你现在这个工作 But,like,the job that you have right now,
是你真正想要做的吗？ like,is it something that you actually want to be doing?
知道吗？有时候挺有意思的 You know what? it can be fun.
但是我想不想做呢 But do I love it?
- 不想吧 - 不想 - You don't. - No.
难道你不想找个你热爱的工作吗？ Don't you want to love something?
什么？你热爱你的工作吗？ What? Do you love what you do?
我现在在做一个系列演讲计划 I started this new lecture series.
请作者们来做关于他们作品的演讲 And authors can come along and they can talk about their work.
- 这很不错啊 - 是 挺好的 - That's awesome. - Yes. So great.
- 有人去吗？- 没有 - And people come? - No.
- 没人去？- 没有 - No? - No.
但是我 But I...
没什么的 我想 如果我一直这样坚持下去的话 It's okay. I mean,I figure that if I keep doing It,
这也许会是个了不起的成就 it could be a really,really amazing thing.
如果你有空的话可以来听听啊 You should come along to one of them if you're around.
我不知道 I don't know.
我又不知道这事对你有多重要 I can't really tell if it's important to you.
对不起 刚才那笑声太诡异了 I'm sorry. That's a weird laugh.
这是这座城市里我最喜欢的地方 This is my favorite place in the city.
挺漂亮的 Yeah. It's beautiful.
我知道我总把一切看得过于浪漫 I know that I'm romanticizing the idea,
但是 你看啊 but come on.
我一直都梦想能拿到葛莱美西公园的钥匙 That's kind of my dream. To have the key to Gramercy Park.
纽约的魅力就是你周围 都是你得不到的东西 New York's charm is you're surrounded by things you can't have.
纽约的魅力是它让你觉得你可以拥有它们 New York's charm is it makes you think you can have them.
在我们买下这里之前 我很想到里面去看看 You know,I'd love to look inside before we buy.
我也是 Me,too.
同时呢 我们可以回我家去 In the meantime,we can go back to my place.
跟这儿差不多 It's very similar,actually.
不过基本上还是很不一样的 Except for everything about it.
我得回家了 I gotta get home.
好吧 那就去你家吧 Okay. Yours,it is.
你真会讨价还价 You're one hell of a negotiator.
你真会讲话 This kind of stuff just rolls off your tongue doesn't it?
只是想让你开心嘛 I'm just trying to make you laugh.
我们进展得也太顺利了 I don't like how well it's working.
妈的 Fuck...
等等 你们两个还没让米奇上床啊？ Wait,so you guys still haven't gotten Mikey laid?
- 没有 - 你们怎么了？ - No. - What's wrong with you?
你这个红娘当的最糟糕了 You're like the worst wingman ever.
你开玩笑嘛 切尔西？我做红娘很拿手的 Are you kidding me,Chelsea? I'm an incredible wingman.
但是 什么进展都没有啊？ I know,but,like,nothing?
他那个人太事儿了 It's just harder than you think with him.
口活也不行吗？ Like,what about a blowjob?
我不用 不过谢谢你了 或者 十分钟以后？ I'm good right now,but thank you. Maybe in,like,10 minutes?
喝完这瓶？ Maybe after this beer?
不好意思 等我在脑子里列出个 Sorry,I'm just making a mental list
我要在做口活之前要做的事的清单 of all the things I'd like to do before giving you a blowjob.
哇 真的？ Wow. Really?
自杀是第一件事 Kill myself is number one.
真的？上帝 第二件是什么？ Are you serious? Jesus. What's number two?
在关塔那摩等待候审？ Just,like,awaiting trial in Guantanamo.
- 是吗 - 是的 - Yup. - Yeah.
拜托了 大哥 布鲁斯？你他妈在搞我？ Come on,man. The blues? Are you fucking serious?
这么帅的大哥 有什么需要难过的？ What the fuck does Captain Attractive have to be so sad about?
我不知道 I don't know.
我觉得他就是想走这个路线 忧郁 阴暗 神秘 I think he's going for brooding and dark,mysterious.
我喜欢这样的 It's kind of working for me.
- 就喜欢这样的？- 对 - That is working? - Yes.
他长得那么好 还会弹琴 这根本不可能 You cannot be that attractive and have a skill. That's bullshit.
怎么不可能 我还会弹琴呢 Well,I'm gonna play,so you're wrong.
有人要沦陷啦 Then somebody's in trouble.
高兴点 混蛋 你就要被她迷上啦 Cheer up,asshole. You're the guy.
过来了 Buckle up.
打扰一下 我只想跟你说 你刚才弹得很棒 Hey,excuse me? I just wanted to tell you great job.
听得我都快哭了 I almost cried right there.
太有力量了 It was really some powerful stuff.
很忧郁 黑暗 又很神秘 Yeah. it was brooding,dark,and mysterious,apparently.
- 是的 - 谢谢 我要的就是这种效果 - Yeah. - Thanks. That's what I was going for.
我早说了嘛 Told you.
这是我的朋友切尔西 This is my friend,Chelsea.
长得可能一般吧 但是你一定得 听听她弹钢琴 She's not much to look at,but wait till you hear her play the piano.
- 她超棒的 - 好啊 我叫迭戈 - Really good. - I can't wait. I'm Diego.
我知道 I know you are.
我警告你哦 她有时候挺暴力的 I warn you,though. She can be really aggressive sometimes.
是吗？ Is that right?
但是灌她两杯龙舌兰酒 说说好话 她就服帖了 But you can tame her with tequila and compliments.
- 是啊 - 那 - Yeah. - So...
- 超暴力哦 - 是吗 - Super aggressive. - Yeah?
- 你在家吗？- 我在医院呢 你在哪儿？ - Hey,are you home? - No. I'm at the hospital. Where are you?
我正往回家走 I'm headed back.
好吧 All right. So?
约会怎么样？ How was it?
超棒 兄弟 她真是超棒 It was amazing,man. She was amazing.
她跟你回家了吗？ So is she coming back to the house or what?
没有 Not exactly.
- 你好 - 这都过了半夜了 你认真的？ - Hey. - After midnight? Really?
我睡不着 I couldn't sleep.
见到你真好 It's good to see you.
你跟那个钢琴男怎么样了？罗德里戈？ So what happened with you and the piano man? Rodrigo?
- 迭戈？- 迭戈 - Diego? - Diego.
我不知道 I don't know.
我不想跟一个长得比我好看的男人约会 明白吗？ I don't want to date a guy that's prettier than me. You know?
是的 我也不想啊 Yeah. Me neither.
此外 他还健身 Plus,he works out.
我不喜欢健身的男人 I don't want a man that works out.
我只在2004年健过一次身 Yeah. I worked out once. 2004.
举起了15磅的哑铃 Got on the 15 dumbbells.
我就想 这样太简单了 然后我决定试试30磅的 I was like,"Those are way too light,let me go to the 30s."
- 挺行啊 - 你来感受下 - Nice. - And if you feel it...
不要 我不想摸 Don't. I don't wanna touch it.
然后我做了做腿部练习 And then I hit the hammies.
- 你再来感受下 - 你行话还说的一道一道的 - Some quads. And if you feel that. - You definitely got the lingo down.
- 看到了没有？- 没有 - Do you see that? - No.
- 那好吧 - 都是脂肪 - Well... - Fat.
健身嘛 就是这样的 That's what happens when you work out
健身一次 ONCE.
你到底来干嘛的？ What are you doing here anyway?
- 你什么意思？- 我不知道 - What do you mean? - I don't know.
你难道不应该跟那晚酒吧 认识的姑娘一起吗？ Weren't you supposed to hang out with that girl from Trinity?
我跟她说了 我不想认真谈恋爱 Yeah. I had to tell her I wasn't looking for anything too serious.
所以只要事情变得无趣了 你们就要分手了？ 'Cause if it ever stopped being fun for you guys,you'd want to just call it off?
- 嗯 没错 - 我就知道 - That's... Yeah. - I know.
你明白了 You got it down.
- 哥们儿 我懂你们这套话 - 哥们儿 - Brother. I know the spiel. - Brother.
是啊 Yeah.
我不知道 我觉得你挺喜欢她的 I don't know. I just thought you liked her.
我确实喜欢她 I did like her.
她很酷 又聪明 有趣博学 She was cool,really smart,funny,well-read.
- 家庭出身也不错 - 不错 - Great family. - Loveit
她的口活在口活史上也是一绝 And gave the best blowjob in recorded history.
每次女孩给你口活 你都说是口活史上的一绝 I feel like every blowjob you get,you think is the best in recorded history...
如果你综合这些口活的共同点来看 你会发现我才是关键 Well,if you look at the common variable across all encounters,you'll find that it's me.
所以呢 我可能是口活史上最好的接受者 So maybe I'm the best in recorded history at receiving blowjobs.
- 很厉害把 - 厉害 - Bam. - Bam.
- 好好想想 - 我才不要想 - Think about that. - Don't want to.
为我接受优秀的口活而干杯 Cheers to me getting awesome blowjobs and just being good at it.
你真蠢 You're such an idiot.
那么 杰森 现在这算什么？ So? Jason,where is this going?
妈的 Fuck.
我觉得你是个很好的姑娘 Look,I think you're an amazing girl.
如果现在是不同的情况 我可能 And if I was in a different place,maybe,
但是 你也知道 我现在不想认真谈恋爱的 but,I mean,you know that I'm not really looking for anything serious.
我知道了 只要这件事对我们之间任意一方 开始无聊起来 Yeah. Yeah,yeah. As soon as this stops being fun for one of us.
嘿 杰森 跟那个鸡的事儿怎么样了？ Hey,J-Go! How'd it go with that hooker?
你刚才叫我鸡？ Did you just call me a hooker?
不是 我是说另外一个 No,I meant the other...
我说错话了 Yeah. I just said the wrong thing just now.
你以为？ You think?
是的 Yes.
嘿 米奇？ Hey,Mikey?
米奇？ Mikey?
- 出去带上门行吗？- 哦 糟糕 - Can you shut the door? - Shit.
我得道个歉 Okay. I'd like to apologize.
没关系 Don't worry about it.
喝咖啡吗？ Caffeine?
谢谢 不用了 我得走了 No,thanks. I gotta run.
不过他还关心我了 But at least he offers.
我也关心过啊 I offer.
你从来没有关心过 You've never offered.
事先说一下 我提前道歉 For the record. I'm sorry for anything I said.
为我以前 现在甚至以后说的错话 Am saying. And might say in the future.
还会道歉 真贴心啊 An apology. So sweet.
跟你比起来 我更喜欢他 I like him better than you. For the record.
告诉你 他比我好多了 For the record,he is better than me.
这倒不假 This is true.
再见 Bye.
- 你昨天晚上约会对象是 - 艾莉 - So you went out with... - Ellie.
- 晚上回家上床的对象却是 - 阿兰娜 - Then you came home and had sex with... - Alana.
上帝啊 Jesus!
- 我是为了你才这么做的 - 为了我？ - I did that for you. - You did it for me?
- 对 - 你跟漂亮姑娘上传是为了我？ - Yeah. - You had sex with a beautiful woman for me?
对 为了你 Yeah. For you.
我多谢你了 Thank you. Thank you.
如果以后我要你帮忙的话 我保证告诉你 If I need anything else,I'll be sure to let you know.
我只是在排花名册而已 I'm just building my roster,man.
- 花名册？- 对啊 我的花名册 - Roster? - Yeah,my roster.
艾莉马上就要进我的花名册了 Ellie's on the way in.
阿兰娜刚刚问了我"那么" Alana just gave me the "so."
"那么"？ The "so"?
对 Yeah,the "so."
"那么"从一个姑娘嘴里问出来 后面不会跟什么好事 When it comes to girls,nothing good ever follows the word "so."
"那么"我们现在怎么继续？ "So," where is this going?
"那么"我们现在算什么？ "So," what're we doing?
她刚刚问你了"那么"？ And you just got the "so"?
没错 Yeah,I just got the "so."
这就是你该抽身的时刻了 So that's when you get out.
- 永远？- 永远 - Always? - Always.
你真他妈人渣 You're a fucking idiot.
切尔西又施展红娘大法啦？ So Chelsea worked her magic again?
- 对 可以这么说吧 - 真的？ - Yeah,yeah. In a sense,yeah. - Really?
所以 这个姑娘是漂亮聪明又有趣吗？ So,is she,like,hot. She smart,cool?
是的 以上皆有 Yeah. Yeah,all of the above.
哇 真的吗？ Wow,really?
不过我不会跟她约会的 Yeah. I'm not gonna date her.
如果你想问的话 她不适合约会 She's not datable if that's what you're getting at,okay?
淡定下来 So let's just calm down.
你呢？跟那个叫啥来着的见面了吗？ What about you? Did you see what's-her-name?
- 艾莉？- 对 - Ellie? - Yeah.
见了 我们去公园待了一会 Yeah. We,like,went to the park. We hung out.
去公园？待着？ Went to the park,hung out?
你当她是鸡的时候都很喜欢她啊 You liked this girl when you thought she was a hooker.
- 你是不是爱上她了？- 没有啊 - Are you falling in love? - No,man.
我觉得你有 从你声音里可以听得出来 I think you are. I can hear it in your voice.
我刚跟阿兰娜从床上下来 I had sex with Alana.
- 你跟她们俩都上床了？- 没有 - You had sex with both of them? - No.
你居然脚踏两条船？ You fucking double gophered?
- 我没有 - 不好意思 - I didn't. - Sorry,sorry,sorry.
你真的搞了两个？我喜欢这样 You double gophered? I love that.
两个姑娘同时搞 真棒 You had sex with both of them. That's awesome.
我没有啊 艾莉回家了 阿兰娜过来找我 No,I didn't. Ellie went home. Alana came over.
我喜欢你的就是这点 That's what I love about you.
你从来都不会用全力 Like,you never push too hard.
- 总有后备计划 - 没错 - You always have a backup. - Yeah.
你就像比佛利山超级警探里的 因霍尔德法官一样 You're like Judge Reinhold in Beverly Hills Cop.
- 我没有谈恋爱啊 - 你真是个混蛋 - I'm not getting in a relationship. - Except you're an asshole.
你好 我是艾莉 Hello. This is Ellie.
你好 Hey-
我是杰森 It's Jason.
明天晚上跟我出来约会 All right,we're going on a date tomorrow.
在葛莱美西公园 穿得漂亮点 Gramercy Park. Dress nicely.
别问问题 No questions.
你来吗？ You in?
好的 Yeah.
维拉 我们得谈谈 Vera,we have to talk.
米奇 你是在给那个眼镜妹子打电话吗？ Mikey,did you call the glasses girl,yet?
你今晚能跟我见面吗？这件事真的很重要 Can you come see me tonight? It's important.
哥们儿 给我们报告一下电话情况吧 Dude. Tell us how the call went.
- 我没在尿 - 好 - Nope. I'm not pissing. - Okay.
- 进来吧 - 我先得说 - Come on in. - First of all,
- 你的鸡鸡看起来好像已经找到了尼莫 - 别说了 -your dick looks like it found Nemo. - Stop.
其次 你是要跟眼镜妹子约会吗？ Second of all,are you gonna see glasses girl?
她今晚要见我 She gonna come see me tonight.
我先得说 你的鸡鸡就像雪人的鼻子 First of all,I think your dick looks like a snowman's nose.
- 你能别说了吗？- 其次 - Can you stop? - Second of all,
我记得你今晚不是医院值班吗？ I thought you worked tonight?
她会来医院找我 - She might come by the hospital. - No.
米奇 我喜欢你的想法 Mikey,I love your thinking on this,man.
工作和约会的完美结合 The work-date combination.
- 真不错 - 是的 -It's very impressive. - Yeah.
- 我用脚趾头想的 - 他真渊博啊 - I'm just thinking on my toes. - He knows shit,man.
我喜欢你的工作 又休闲又有创意 It's casual. It's innovative. I love your work,man.
我喜欢你的外套 你今晚要去哪儿？ I love that jacket. Where are you going tonight?
今晚我有很重要的计划 I have a pretty big night ahead of me.
我要假扮成富翁冯·费灵顿先生 I'm playing the incredibly wealthy Mr. Von Ferrington.
不错嘛 That's so awesome!
都开始玩角色扮演了 真用心啊 You're role playing. You're committing.
- 那可不 你呢 今晚干嘛？- 跟切尔西一起 - Exactly. What are you doing? - I'm going to meet up with Chelsea
看看能碰上什么事 and see what we can make happen.
又是她？ Again?
她怎么总给你做红娘？ Why is she always hooking you up with girls?
你看到镜子里的我了吗？看到了吗？ Have you looked in the mirror? Have you looked at me?
我特么这么帅 给我搭红线是最容易的 I'm the most attractive. So it's the easiest.
- 拜托了 - 没错 就是这么回事 - Come on. - Yeah! That's why.
兄弟 高中时候每次投票 我都被推选为最美双眼 Guys,in high school,I was voted most likely to have the best eyes.
放屁吧你 That's just not true.
那绝对 Yeah,right.
你个白痴 You idiot.
你们知道杰姆斯·哈珀曾经住在这里吗？ Do you know that James Harper lived here?
- 真的吗？- 他曾是纽约市长 - Really? - He used to be the mayor of New York.
您选择的是一所非常棒的房产 冯 You've really chosen a wonderful property to look at Mr. Von...
- 费灵顿 - 费灵顿 - Ferrington. - Ferrington.
- 冯·费灵顿 - 冯·费灵顿先生 - Von Ferrington. - Von Ferrington.
我告诉您 这是市里最棒的房产之一 I mean,this is one of the finest properties in the city.
- 谢谢 - 不客气 - Thank you. - You're welcome.
看看这镶木地板 都是内嵌的原木 Look at the parquet floors that are all inlaid and original.
还有这个 And this.
来看看这个 Let me show you this.
住在葛莱美西公园最美妙的特权 Unfettered access to the private park
就是可以不受限制地进入公园 is,of course,one of the finest things about living on Gramercy.
- 不受限制吗？- 不受限制 - Unfettered? - Unfettered.
接下来要给你们看的是这个 锻铁扶手 And now further,I'd like you to take a look at this wrought iron.
- 这种格子框架的锻铁是独具匠心的 - 是吗？ - Lattice wrought iron which is the original. - Original?
还有这台非常非常非常漂亮的水晶吊灯 And we have in here a beautiful,beautiful,beautiful chandelier,
出色的水晶切割工艺 which is cut crystal.
还有天花板上这些精致的细节 You'll notice all of the detail on the ceiling.
还有这条特别的欧巴桑地毯 Now the Obasan rug is original of the period.
还有这斑驳的窗玻璃 And we have over there a stained glass window.
- 我们走吧 - 为什么？ - Let's go. - Why?
看看这贴画的细节 Look at the detail on this poster here.
快走 快走 我待会再给你解释 Let's go,let's go,let's go! I'll explain later.
这里 厨房 Here,the kitchen.
快点 那老女人要追上来啦 Quick! The old woman's coming!
还在吗？ Hello?
我们不会被抓住吗？ Won't we get caught?
应该不会吧 我们走 I don't think so. Let's go.
你们还在吗？ Hello?
费灵顿先生？ Mr. Ferrington?
还在吗？ Hello?
慢点走 慢点 装得正常点 Slow down. Slow down. Just walk normal.
那是什么意思 What do you mean walk...
- 你走起来像犯了事儿的 - 哪有？我一直就这么走路的 - You're walking like a criminal. - What? This is how I walk.
我没有犯罪啊 I'm not a criminal.
我犯了 But I am.
快点 我们该走了 We have to go. Let's go!
喂 Hello?
你跟我说 我们得谈谈 Okay. You said we need to talk.
没人会这样说 除非是要传递坏消息 对吗？ Nobody says,"We need to talk," unless it's really bad news,right?
- 没有 没有 - 我奶奶有遗传的卵巢癌 - No,no,no. - And my grandmother had ovarian cancer.
不是 你没事的 没事的 No,no,no. You're fine,you're fine,you're fine!
你的检查结果一切正常 The tests they ran indicated nothing out of the ordinary.
- 我的症状看起来不详 - 亲爱的 你很好 - I have all the symptoms. - Baby,you're fine.
你没事的 You're fine. You're okay.
- 过来 - 那你是什么意思？ - Come here. - What was that message then?
过来 Come here. No,no. Come here.
真对不起 我只想跟你谈谈 Okay. I am sorry. I just wanted to talk.
老天 你真是个蠢货 Oh,my God. You are such an idiot.
- 你真是个傻子 - 没错 - You are such an idiot. - Yes.
你 坐下可以吗？ Just... Just... Just come sit down. Okay?
哦 天啊 Oh,God.
深呼吸 Breathe. Breathe.
天啊 我以为我得绝症了 Oh,God,I thought I was dying.
你以为你得绝症了？ Yeah. You thought you were dying.
对不起 我的错 That was me.
我们到底哪儿做错了？ Where did we go wrong?
发生了什么？ Like,what happened?
我们之间怎么会变成这样？ What happened to us?
变成这样？ What happened? I...
我们23岁就结婚了 I mean,we got married at 23 years old,
在那个时候 我们对眼前即将失去的 I just don't think at that point you are ready for a life
没有激情和随行的生活完全没有准备 without excitement or spontaneity.
随行？ Spontaneity?
我这个人很随性啊 I mean,I'm spontaneous.
我们有将近六个月没上过床 We didn't have sex for almost six months.
Y你想要随性是吗？ You want spontaneous?
- 嘿 - 嗨 - Hey. - Hi.
- 你身体不舒服还是怎么的？- 没有啊？ - Are you sick or something? - No.
你都没准备外出的穿着 Those aren't going out clothes.
我可没说要出去 Well,who's going out?
我以为我们要一起出去的 I thought we were going out.
咱俩太厉害了 That was pretty badass.
被发现了我要被开除的 I can get fired for that shit.
你知道吗 小的时候我很爱去公园 You know,when I was a kid,I used to love going to parks.
我爷爷每周日都会带我去 And my grandfather used to take me every Sunday.
但我的前男友讨厌公园 But my ex hated parks.
他总说公园这场所太公共了 He thought they were like too public or something.
他真是个混蛋 He sounds like a real dick.
谁？我前男友吗？ What? My ex?
你爷爷 Your grandfather.
你们两个怎么分手了？ So what happened between the two of you?
我毕业搬来纽约 Well,I graduated from school and I moved to New York.
而他在芝加哥找到了工作 And he took a job in Chicago.
差不多是那种先忙工作感情无所谓的情况 And it was sort of like a focus-on-your-work-life-first sort of thing.
我们这一代被叫做自私的一代 They call us the selfish generation.
那你呢？ What about you?
有没有人让你动过心？ Who's the one that got you?
你怎么敢认为我还能有 恋爱的能力？ How dare you assume that I have any emotional capacity whatsoever?
- 快从我的公园滚出 - 不要 - Get out of my park. - No.
- 滚出 - 不要嘛 - Get out. - No.
没关系 你可以再回来的 It's okay. You can come back.
该死的 Damn it!
我不想这么快的 I was so not gonna do that.
我想就先这样顶住 I was gonna hold out.
我本来准备让你等上个40多天 I was gonna make you wait,like,40 days or something.
我也想让你等的 不过之后我才想到 我是男的 不可能哦 I was gonna make you wait,too,but then I realized,"I'm a dude."
大家好 我是弗莱德 Hey,guys. It's Fred.
上帝啊 弗莱德 你就跟埃尔维斯一样 Jesus! Fred,you're like Reverse Elvis,you know.
弗莱德 都知道你来了 Fred,you entered the building.
我喜欢埃尔维斯 I love Elvis.
"太感谢了" "Thank you,very much."
有什么事吗 弗莱德？ What's up,Fred?
西蒙出版社的艾莉把《马特峰》那本书封送来了 Well,Ellie from Simon just sent over the Matterhorn book cover.
她想让我们两个做？ And she wants us to do it?
特别要求的 Specifically.
- 特别要求？- 特别要求的 - Specifically? - Specifically.
让我也拍一下 I'll get in on that.
好吧 Right.
拜托 Come on.
- 谢谢 弗莱德 - 好 - Thanks,Fred. - Yeah.
- 好了 - 大家努力啊 - All right. - Gonna do it!
等等 让我搞搞清楚 Wait,okay,so let me get this straight.
你跟这个姑娘上了几次床 然后我们就有工作了？ You have sex with this girl. We get a job out of it?
看起来是这样 Certainly seems that way.
我们还一直以为这个可怜的姑娘是鸡 And to think this whole time,we thought that poor girl was a hooker.
是啊 Well,yeah.
但事实上 你才是出卖身体的人啊 But in reality,the only prostitute here is you.
继续没人来啊 No one came again.
继续？你应该多找几个有名的作家 Again? Why don't you get better authors?
这么好的主意我怎么可能从来没想过呢 You know,I never even thought of that.
我试过了 我一直在试呢 Yes,I've tried that. I've been trying.
待会过来我家喝一杯吧 Well,come by my place after for a drink.
好的 我会过去的 I'll come by after.
我不明白你为什么不愿意告诉我 就告诉我你们在哪儿做的 I don't understand why you won't tell me. Just tell me where you did it.
我不会告诉你的 不要问了 I'm not telling you,so stop asking.
为什么？你最终还是会告诉我的 你什么都告诉我 Why? You know you're gonna tell me. You tell me everything.
确实 但是我现在不想告诉你 I do. But I'm not telling you this right now.
- 为什么？- 因为我现在正赢着你呢 - Why? -'Cause I'm whupping your ass.
你每次都是假装很正经地说什么 然后突然就不说了 You get all precious with this stuff and you throw down,
然后你就把我扔下了 and slap me in the mouth.
你每次输的时候都无端闹情绪 Whenever you start losing,you just get upset.
哥们 你不会又拉屎了吧？ Dude,did you just take another shit in there?
- 不是的 - 他每次都撇 - No,I'm not. - Every time.
你怎么总关心我在厕所干什么？ Why do you care so much about what I'm doing in there?
我没有拉屎 I wasn't taking a shit.
哥们 你算恶心透了 You're so disgusting. Dude.
你们干嘛这么关心我在厕所里干什么？ Why do you guys care so much what I do in the bathroom?
我真的没有拉屎 And I wasn't taking a shit.
- 你每次都撇 - 你有 - Every time. - Yes,you...
相信我一下可以吗 你们聊什么呢？ Have a little faith. What are you guys talking about?
米奇不告诉我昨天晚上他在哪儿上床了 Mikey won't tell me where he had sex last night.
米奇 昨天晚上你在哪儿上的床？ Mikey,where did you have sex last night?
你们干嘛这么关心我上床的地点？ Why do you care so much about where I had sex?
我们是你的朋友啊 关心你啊 'Cause we're your friends. We wanna know.
你在哪儿上的床 米奇？ Where'd you have sex,Mikey?
在医院 The hospital.
- 跟眼镜妹子？- 没开玩笑吗？ - With the glasses girl? - Are you serious?
天啊 你还玩儿起格雷医生了 Oh,my God! You Grey's Anatomy motherfucker!
米奇 挺不错啊 Mikey,that is awesome.
哥们 你媳妇就从来不会跟你在医院上床 Dude,your wife never would've had sex in the hospital.
- 她那个人太保守了 - 一辈子也不会的 - She's too uptight. - Not in a million years.
我真他妈为你自豪啊 真的很骄傲啊 I'm fucking proud of you. Really am proud of you.
谁啊？ What is that?
我不知道 I don't know.
- 你订外卖了吗？- 我们刚刚在一起啊 - You order food? - I mean,we're all here.
- 我没叫外卖 你叫了吗？- 没有 - I didn't order food. Did you order food? - No.
呃 是艾莉来了 So. It's Ellie.
搞什么？你他妈搞我？ What the fuck? Are you serious,dude?
杰森 这一屋子的睾丸激素啊 Jason,this is a den of testosterone,man.
- 你们俩已经开始前戏了吧 - 这是我自己家啊 - This is a pre-game. - This is my apartment.
这倒没错 That's a good point.
这完全就有错 首先 我刚刚在厕所了 It's not a good point. First of all,guys,I just took a shit in there.
- 我就知道 - 每次都这样 - I knew it. -It's every time.
你为什么不在你自己家拉屎？ Why don't you take a shit at your own apartment?
你不能约女孩子来这种地方 You can't invite a girl to a place like this.
- 我没有约她 - 你没有？ - I didn't invite her. - You didn't invite her?
- 没有 - 那就更糟糕了 - No. - That's worse.
这他妈就是要谈女朋友的节奏啊 That's some girlfriend shit.
是你要谈女朋友的节奏 Some I-have-a-girlfriend shit.
好吧 我要让她进来了 Okay,well,I'm gonna buzz her in.
- 不要 - 别让她进来 - Don't buzz her. - Don't buzz her in.
- 我要放她进来了 - 杰森 不许放她进来 - I'm gonna buzz her in. - Jason,don't buzz her in.
- 不要 - 别放她进来 - Don't buzz... - Don't buzz her in,man.
- 我们三个本来挺好的 - 哦 糟糕 - We're having such good guy time right now. - Oh,shit.
我放她进来了 I just buzzed her in.
- 他居然放她进来了 好吧 - 他放她进来了 - He fucking buzzed her in. Okay. - He buzzed her in.
- 你认真的？- 好吧 - Really? - Okay
你们两个淡定一点 Both you guys need to calm down.
我们每周跟姑娘见面不应该超过两次的 We're not supposed to see them more than twice in one week,all right?
而你跟艾莉一天之内就见了两次 And you're seeing this chick twice in one day.
放松点 哥们 Dude. Relax.
那你就请她进来吧 Invite her up then,man!
她对Xbox肯定也没什么兴趣 She's not gonna wanna talk about Xbox.
我坐在这沙发上想放屁 但我也不能放 So,I'm gonna be sitting here being like,"I have to fart but maybe I can't right now."
她最好能给我们介绍些漂亮的朋友 哥们 你真惹我生气了 She better have some hot friends. Dude,you're pissing me off.
把门打开吧 我不在乎 我坐这儿喝酒就够了 Open the door. I don't care. I'm getting wasted.
- 嘿 希望我没打断你们 - 嗨 - Hey. I hope I'm not interrupting. - Hi.
没有 我们没干什么 No. You're not interrupting. You're not interrupting anything.
这是丹尼尔 这是米奇 我们一起念的大学 So this is this is Daniel. This is Mikey. We went to college together.
这是艾莉 Guys,Ellie.
丹尼尔是个白痴控制狂 Daniel is a manipulative idiot.
- 米奇的鸡鸡是橘黄色的 - 嘿 - And Mikey has an orange dick. - Hi.
拜托 哥们 Really,dude?
知道了 That's really good to know.
我带了威士忌 我不知道你们喝不喝 I brought scotch. I don't know if you guys drink scotch.
她带了威士忌诶？ She brought scotch?
你们应该喝喝看 You should try it.
那就喝喝看吧 Let's try it.
你们在玩什么？ What are you guys playing?
- 玩一会Xbox - 我能一起玩吗？ - A little Xbox. - Can I play?
好啊 Yeah.
显然她前男友很会玩最后一站 Apparently,her ex-boyfriend played a lot of Halo.
知道吗 太晚了 我该回去了 我得回西区去 You know what? It's late. I gotta go. I gotta go to West Side.
不行 你不能回去 我们不让你回去 No,you're not. We're not letting you. No. We're not letting you go.
我们玩的正开心呢 I promise you we get funnier.
今天晚上都是米奇在赢 我能感觉到 But tonight is Mikey's night. You know,I can feel it.
- 上帝保佑我一定要是 - 我刚才就这么说的 - I pray to God it is. - That's what I was telling you,too,baby.
忘记告诉你了 我生日快到了 I forgot to tell you,it's my birthday coming up soon.
真的？ Really?
一般人们对于自己生日都很低调的啊 Usually people are more subtle about this.
不是那样啦 No,not like that.
我要给自己办一个生日惊喜爬梯 I'm going to throw myself a surprise birthday party.
- 你要给自己办惊喜爬梯？- 对 - You're throwing yourself a surprise party? - Yeah.
- 哟 真惊喜哈 - 是啊 - Well,I'm surprised. - Yeah,
每个人都要打扮好来参加 everybody's gonna get dressed up and decked out.
你也应该来 And you should do the same.
- 要打扮的爬梯？- 是的 - It's a dress-up party? - Absolutely,yeah.
- 我去定了 我喜欢打扮 - 那好 - I'm so in. I love getting dressed up. - Sweet.
他俩是在视交吗？ He's actually giving her eye contact?
一副订了婚的模样 He's engaged.
- 再见 - 再见 - Bye. - Bye.
顺便说一句 画儿不错 That's a great painting,by the way.
谢谢 Thank you.
不错嘛 多美妙啊 哥们 That's nice. It was beautiful,man.
- 真不错 - 相当不错 - That was really nice. - That was quite nice.
我很喜欢她 And I do love her. I do.
我真的很喜欢她 I really like her.
我喜欢她没跟你说一声就来了 I really liked it when she came by without telling anybody.
我喜欢她亲你的脸 I really liked it when she kissed you on the cheek.
我喜欢她马上就要让你输掉这个赌了 And I really like that you're about to lose this bet.
- 是啊 - 杰森 你还记得吗？ - Yep. - Jason,do you remember
我们说好了要保持单身的 when we said we're all gonna stay single?
现在看来 你完蛋啦 Yeah,well,it looks like you're fucked.
我没有完蛋 I'm not fucked.
绝对完蛋了 You are so fucked!
我没有 我们一起出去吧 I'm not fucked. Let's go out.
- 嘿 切尔西 - 嘿 抱歉 - Hey,Chels! - Hey. Sorry,guys.
给我们来几杯龙舌兰酒 Can we get tequila shots,please?
工作的事拖累我迟到了 Sotheby's kept me late.
那就让他们买单吧 Then they can take care of these drinks.
- 是嘛？- 嘿 - They will? - Hey.
- 见到你真高兴 - 我也是 - It's good to see you. - You,too.
- 咱们继续 - 一定要这样吗 - I'm still going. - That's not cool.
- 干杯 - 干杯 - All right cheers! - Cheers!
切尔西 看你的了 Chels,you're up.
快去牵线 Get it.
天啊 我好喜欢你的鞋子 Oh,my God,I love your shoes.
谢谢 你真好 Thank you. That's so sweet.
- 如果我能跟她一样就好了 - 这是我朋友丹尼尔 - That should've been me. - This is my friend,Daniel.
嗨 Hi.
嘿 Hi.
很高兴见到你 Nice to meet you.
好吧 Okay.
- 干嘛 - 搞什么啊？ - What. .. - The fuck was that?
说真的 刚刚真是糟透了 Seriously. That was god-awful.
真是骇人听闻 That was horrendous.
我不想 我不知道 I got nothing... I don't know.
你认真的吗？你刚刚放弃了多好的一个机会啊 Are you serious right now? You just dropped the ball. Seriously.
你放弃了一个很棒的机会 You just dropped the ball big time.
我不知道 我今晚没感觉 I'm having an off night. I don't know.
今晚没感觉？ Having an off night?
乔丹也有没感觉的时候吧 Even Jordan has off nights.
你真是雄心壮志 Very ambitious.
怎么了？ What? What's wrong?
你的毛绒熊 That teddy bear.
威格尔斯先生？ Mr. Wiggles?
对 就是该死的威格尔斯先生 Fuck,Mr. Wiggles. Yeah,Mr. Wiggles.
因为我知道 Because,I know,
这个熊是你前男友送你的 your ex-boyfriend gave you that teddy bear.
然后我说他是个娘炮 因为他就是 And I said he was a pussy,which he was.
然后你跟他分手了 And then you broke up with him.
但是我忍不住想象你俩在一起的样子 But I was thinking about you guys together.
想象你们上床 想象他裸体的样子 And him having sex with you. And then I thought about him naked.
- 你知道的 什么都想 - 真的吗？ - And you know. And all that stuff. - Oh,really? Yeah.
然后我的鸡鸡就像一片热生菜一样萎了 And my bonerjust started to wilt like warm lettuce.
- 那好 我把熊拿走 - 谢谢 - I'm gonna get rid of the teddy bear! - Thank you.
- 真吓人呢还 - 是 - Creeped me out. - Yeah.
切尔西 我想告诉你 Chelsea,I just really want you to know something.
很清楚地告诉你 And I wanted to be very clear.
你不想认真谈恋爱吗？ You're not looking for anything serious right now?
听着 丹尼尔 我们没必要认真的 Look,Daniel,this thing doesn't have to be a thing.
如果你想做普通朋友的话 我们可以做回普通朋友 And if you want to go back to being friends,we can go back to being friends.
我不是想做回朋友 I don't want to go back to anything.
我想告诉你的就是这个 That's what I was going to tell you.
我喜欢跟你在一起 I really like being here.
我想说的就是这个 That's what I was going to say.
你周末工作吗？ You working this weekend?
你应该来医院找我 You should come by the hospital.
- 又去？- 没错 - Again. - Yeah. Again.
你喜欢那样 不是吗？ You'd like that,wouldn't you?
没错 我喜欢 Yeah,I would.
一次又一次 Come by again and again and again.
看看这个 Check this one out.
- 真是过目难忘啊 - 是啊 - That's impressive. - Very impressive.
你们两个找什么呢？ Something for the two of you?
怎么了？ What's up,man?
你们两个想找什么东西？ Something for the two of you?
哦 不要误会 我们不是同性恋 Oh,no,no,no. We're not gay,man.
- 我们想找 - 我们想找一根长长的捆绑的假鸡鸡 - And we're just... - We just need a giant strap-on dildo.
我知道这听起来挺基的 不过只是为了一套装扮而已 Which I know sounds a little gay. But it's for a costume.
就在那边 你前面就是 It's right here. Right in front of you.
- 等等 我有个很严肃的问题问你 - 说吧 - Wait. I have a serious question for you. - Yeah.
好好想 Think.
如果你是同性恋 你会约我吗？ If you were gay,would you date me?
绝对不会 Definitely not.
- 什么？- 怎么了？ - What? - What?
我不会约你的 杰森 I would not date you,Jason.
- 为什么？- 你不是我的菜 - Why? - Because you're not my type.
你他妈什么意思？ What the fuck does that mean?
你还不爽了？ What? Are you offended?
当然不爽了 I'm completely offended.
那就不爽去吧 Deal with it.
你绝对会约我的 你绝对会 You'd gay date me. You know you would.
说实话 既然你这么热情 杰森 Honestly,if were to have sex with you,Jason,
如果我跟你上床的话 which apparently you really want,
你绝对会在我所有上过的姑娘里面 you would probably be like top three hottest chicks
排名前三 I've ever had sex with.
这倒不假 That's actually true.
兄弟 这个多少钱？ Man,how much are these?
你买吗？75块 For you? $75.
这么贵？都是好朋友便宜点吧 For me? 'Cause we're such good friends?
这都是消过毒 很安全的 These are all dishwasher safe.
我觉得你不应该去这个爬梯的 I don't think you should go to this party,man.
我就是去玩一玩而已 会很有趣的 Dude,I can go to the party. It's gonna be fun.
65块可以吗 $65.
哥们 你跟谁讲价？ Dude,who the fuck are you negotiating with right now?
60快 $60.
好吧 我跟你说 这个爬梯就是 通往恋爱道路上的一站 Okay. Look. I'm telling you,man. This party is a road to a relationship.
在这条路上铺满了责任与无私 And that road is paved with responsibility and lack of selfishness.
我现在手上拿的这他妈的是什么玩意？ And what the fuck am I holding right now? What is this?
我不知道 I have no idea.
好智慧啊 Clever.
买的话另送一个气球 It comes with an extra balloon.
为什么还要另送一个？ Why would I need an extra balloon?
- 以防这个气球爆掉 - 为什么会爆掉？ - In case it pops. - Why would it pop?
如果你太用劲了 If you try too hard.
啥？ What?
鸡鸡很帅嘛 兄弟 Sick cock,bro.
谢谢 Thanks.
你好吗？ What's up?
- 嘿 - 嗯 - Hey. - Yeah.
生日快乐 happy birthday!
杰森？你穿的是什么？ Jason? What are you wearing?
鸡鸡吊在外面的 摇滚巨星 Rock out with my cock out.
这鸡鸡不是我真的鸡鸡哦 It's not my real cock,though.
- 那当然 - 嗯 - Clearly. - Yeah.
原来你说的打扮不是这意思 So it's a different kind of dress-up party?
对 Yeah.
经典的误会啊 This is a classic case of miscommunication.
- 真是经典 - 是的 - It's really... It's just a classic. - Yeah.
这是我的父母 These are my parents.
我妈妈朱迪 我爸爸比尔 My mom,Jodie,and my dad,Bill.
妈的啊 Holy shit.
这是杰森 This is Jason.
真抱歉 你们好 I'm sorry. Hi.
我就假装这一切没发生吧 I'm just gonna pretend that this isn't happening. Hi.
- 你们好 - 嘿 我是杰森 - Hello. - Hi. I'm Jason.
嘿 Hi.
- 我是比尔 - 我是杰森 很高兴见到你 - Bill. - Jason. Nice to meet you.
- 哦 上帝啊 - 这太不应该了 - Oh,goodness. - That should not have happened.
太不应该了 That shouldn't have happened.
是啊 Yeah.
反正也是鸡尾酒嘛 It's a cocktail.
又说错话了 Shouldn't have said that.
我要去看看那啥 I'm just gonna go and check the...
等等 我失陪一下 You know what? Just excuse me one sec.
干杯 Cheers!
我跟你说 No. I got to hand it to you,man.
我对你还有勇气呆在这里 真是十分钦佩 I'm impressed by the way you hung in there.
我应该离开的 I should have left. I definitely should have left.
只不过我想 我比较习惯逆来顺受 I guess I'm a sucker for abuse.
肯定的 You must be.
你知道我这套装扮最难过的是哪儿吗？ You know the hardest part about this costume?
看着这个假鸡鸡 再比一比我的真鸡鸡 It was seeing this thing next to my actual dick.
能想象得到 I can only imagine.
我不知道是该哭啊还是该自杀 I didn't know whether to cry or go kill myself.
比尔 你在笑什么？ What are you laughing at,Bill?
我喜欢这孩子 艾莉 L like this guy,Ell.
我喜欢他 I like this guy.
你别鼓励他啊 爸爸 Don't encourage him,Dad.
别鼓励他 Don't encourage him.
那么 So?
怎么？ So?
杰森和米奇知道吗？ What do Jason and Mikey think about this?
什么意思？ What do you mean?
我是说 他们知道我们的事吗？ Well,I mean,like,whatever we're doing.
你跟他们说了吗？ What have you told them?
我什么都跟他们说的 I mean,I told them everything.
他们为你感到高兴 Yeah. They're really happy for you.
- 什么 为我感到高兴？- 为我们俩感到高兴 - Sorry. They're happy for me? - They're happy for both of us.
他们为我们俩一起感到高兴 They're just so happy for the two of us.
他们就是这么感觉的 很高兴而已 That's what they... Yeah,they're just really happy.
杰森也没什么意见吗？ And Jason's taking it okay?
刚开始他是挺生气的 Yeah. I mean,he was a little angry at first,
不过现在他已经到了悲伤的第四个阶段了 but now he's in the fourth stage of grieving.
否认吗？ Denial?
是撸管 Masturbation.
你知道最有意思的是什么吗？ You know what's so cool?
当我认真跟你说事的时候 你总是一副 When I'm being really serious and you're like,
"看我呀我是丹尼尔我特别搞笑"的样子 "Hey,I'm Daniel. I'm,like,really funny."
我说话才不是这样的 I don't sound anything like that.
绝对就是这样的 You sound exactly like that.
"嘿 我是丹尼尔" "Hey,I'm Daniel."
你说话的时候嘴里好像有花生酱一样 You sound like you have peanut butter in your mouth.
- 不是 - 你想让我怎么说？ - No. - What do you want me to say?
他们觉得我放下身段追你很有趣？ They think it's cool that I'm slumming it?
是吗？ Slumdogging?
没有啦 我只是很高兴你告诉他们了 No. Honestly,I'm just happy you told them.
我知道你对女孩子什么态度 I know how you are with girls.
至少是以前你对女孩子什么态度 Or at least how you've been.
知道吗？ You know what?
你爸爸 Your dad...
真的很棒 Awesome.
他也很喜欢你 尽管你还带着那根鸡鸡 Well,he likes you,too,even though you had that thing on.
说不定他就是因为这根鸡鸡喜欢我的 Maybe that's why he liked me.
你没必要留下来跟我收拾的 You know you don't have to clear up anything.
你不需要帮忙的 You don't have to help.
我自愿的 No,I want to.
你可不能大早起来看着这堆恶心的垃圾 You can't wake up to this. It's disgusting.
你说我房间恶心还是你恶心？ The apartment or you?
你一直都很讨厌我吧 You've always hated me.
你能不能把嘴闭上一分钟 Just stop talking for one minute.
我知道这很难 但你总得试试看 I know it's really hard,but you can just try.
你一直都讨厌我 You've always hated me.
我要去洗个澡 I'm gonna take a shower.
- 好的 - 好的 - OK - OK
昨晚真棒 Last night was amazing.
今天早晨也是 And this morning.
你要在纽约安度晚年吗？ Do you think you could grow old in New York?
我才不会变老 I'm not gonna get old.
变老真是件累人的事 Getting old looks so tiring.
我知道 每天早晨起来 I know. You just,like,wake up in the morning
你还得考虑三餐之间你要干些什么 and have to figure out what to do in between meals.
告诉你我准备怎么办 I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
我要找一辆旧的捷豹车 把它修好 I'm gonna get an old Jaguar XK-E,completely restored.
嗑上好多的药 And then I'm gonna eat a ton of acid.
特别特别多的药 多到 你去看太阳马戏团的表演 Like,so much acid that if you went to go see Cirque du Soleil,
都会以为是到了另外的州一样 you'd think you were in Connecticut.
然后我会在西区高速路上驰骋 And then I'm gonna speed up the West Side Highway,
开的要多快有多快 把一路的间隔板都撞飞 as fast as a car can go,crash through the divider,
然后猛冲进哈德逊河 and careen off into the Hudson.
当然一定要是慢动作的 In slow-motion,of course.
那当然 Of course.
就是这样 And that would be it.
如何离开这个世界 我都计划好了 My death,premeditated.
好吧 Okay.
我告诉你实际情况会是什么样 I mean,here's what's actually gonna happen.
什么？ What?
很快你就70岁了 You'll be 70 years old.
你觉得自己能开到150时速 So you'll think you're going 150,
但你至多能开到25 可能连15都达不到 but actually you're going 25 at best,15 at worst.
你根本看不清 所以你以为你嗑的是药 You can't see,so the acid you think you're eating
其实你吃的只是降血脂的药 will actually be an errant Lipitor.
你坐进车里的时候连你要干什么都想不起来了 You're going to forget what you were doing in the car in the first place,
然后你撞上隔板 尿了一身 车也被你毁了 bump into the divider,wet yourself,ruin the car,
你的驾照被吊销 还有你的自尊也都全没啦 lose your license,and your dignity in one fell swoop.
然后你会被送到养老院去 And then you're gonna be ushered off into some rest home,
你在养老院早晨起床 where you have to wake up in the mornings,
还是会考虑三餐之间你要干什么 and figure out what the hell to do in between meals.
你知道吗 你不必要每次都说得这么对啊 You know,you don't have to be right about everything all the time?
艾莉怎么样？ How's Ellie?
什么意思？ What do you mean?
你说什么意思？ What do you mean what do I mean?
没什么意思 你说什么呢？ Nothing. What are you talking about?
你说什么呢？我问问你好不好 What are you talking about? So? What's up?
挺好 切尔西呢？ Nothing. Where's Chelsea?
什么意思？ What do you mean?
我问你切尔西在哪儿 I mean,where is Chelsea is what I mean.
我得跟你谈谈切尔西 I gotta talk to you about Chelsea.
大家都好吗？ What's going on?
- 你怎么这么高兴？- 怎么了？ - Why are you so happy? - Yeah?
我看到我的两个好朋友 高兴点不可以吗？ I can't be happy to see my two best friends?
你这不是看到好朋友的高兴 That's not a happy-to-see-your-two-best-friends face.
不是吗？ No?
怎么回事？ What is going on?
你这是找到姑娘的高兴 You're girl happy-
看着我 你是不是又打炮了？ Look at me. Did you bone again?
肯定打炮了吧 You boned again,didn't you?
- 没有 你说什么 - 打炮了吗？ - No. What are you... - Did you?
没有 别扯了 你们能不能别这样看着我了？ No. That's ridiculous. Can you stop looking at me like that?
- 你这个禽兽 你就是打炮了 - 有吗？ - You're a fucking animal! Yes,you did! - Did you?
你有吗？ Did you?
- 谁啊？是眼镜妹子吗？- 是吗？ - Who was it? Glasses girl? - Was it?
- 眼镜妹子 - 是她？ - Glasses girl. - Was it?
哇 米奇 Wow. Mikey.
不错的制花名册的开始 哥们儿 It's the beginning of a beautiful roster,buddy.
我真为你骄傲 - Yeah,man. - I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.
- 谢谢 - 我也为你骄傲 - Thank you. - I'm also proud of you.
你电话响了 Your phone is ringing.
- 你不接电话？- 不接 - Are you going to answer that? - No.
你应该接的 可能是一个漂亮寂寞的姑娘 本来想跟我说话的 You should. It might be a hot lonely girl looking to talk to me,
但她碰巧有你的电话罢了 but she has your number.
- 哦 原来是艾莉 - 不是的 - No. It's Ellie. - No,it's not.
你来电显示写着艾莉 我这里能看见 I can read it. It's right there on the bar. It says,"Ellie." See that?
我待会回电话给她 I'll get it later.
你心智真成熟 That's real mature.
你快接吧 她都已经是你女朋友啦 Yeah. You should answer it,because she's your girlfriend.
是 没错 我女朋友 It's... Yeah. My girlfriend.
看啊 她又打过来了 Shit. She's calling again.
连着打啊 Back to back?
快接电话吧 她可能是让你买尿布呢 Answer that phone! She might need you to pick up diapers!
或者是卫生巾之类的 Or,like,tampons,or something like that.
我是跟你们一起出来玩的 不会接她的电话的 I'm outwith you guys. I'm not fucking answering it.
- 你不接我接 - 我真希望没跟你们出来 - Well,I'm gonna answer it. - I wish lwasn't.
嘿 艾莉 你好吗？我是丹尼尔 我是杰森的伴郎啊 Hey,Ellie! What's up? No,it's Daniel. It's Jason's best man.
- 他太过分了 - 我是他伴郎朋友啊 - He just crossed a line. -It's his best man friend.
- 伴郎 你胡说什么啊？ - 对 - Best man? What are you talking about? - Yeah.
好了 我这就把电话给他 All right. Here he is. Here he is.
- 嘿 - 嘿 - Hi. - Hi.
- 你好 - 管的真严啊 - Hello. - All strong arm-y. You wanna strong arm me?
他生气了哦 He gets so angry.
喂？ Yeah. Hello?
我听得到 I can hear you.
艾莉？ Ellie?
- 天啊 - 怎么了？ - Oh,my God. - What? What's up?
她爸爸刚刚过世了 Her dad just died.
她爸爸过世了 Her dad died.
你得去 没得商量 You have to. It's not even a question.
你必须要去她爸爸的葬礼 You have to show up at that funeral.
如果我去那个葬礼的话 那我们就绝对是在约会了 If I set foot anywhere near that funeral,then we're dating.
那就别去呗 Then don't go,dude.
你胡说些什么？ What the fuck are you talking about?
那你又在胡说些什么？ What the fuck are you talking about?
如果他不想去参加葬礼 他何必非要去？ If he doesn't want to go to the funeral,why should he go to the funeral?
你还算人嘛？你有良心没有啊？ Are you not a human being? Do you not have a soul?
严格来说 她并没有邀请我去 Technically,she didn't even invite me.
严格来说？去葬礼还需要邀请的？ Technically? She has to invite you to a funeral?
难道他要去那个葬礼自我介绍说 Yeah. What,he's supposed to show up and say,
"大家好我是杰森 我跟死者女儿打炮来着"？ "Hey. I'm Jason. I'm actually fucking the dead guy's daughter"?
- 你在说什么啊？- 我只会让她分神的 - What're you talking about? -If anything,I'm just gonna be a distraction.
- 就好像 - 那也比当个混蛋好很多 好吗？ -It's like... -it's better than being an asshole. Okay?
比当个混蛋好很多 It's better than being an asshole.
我知道 我也想回家 I know. I wish I could be home,too.
明年一定回 感恩节快乐 Next year. I promise. But happy Thanksgiving.
我也想你 I miss you,too.
帮我跟爸爸问好 Tell Dad I say hello.
我也爱你 I love you,too.
没关系 你慢慢来 Yeah,no. Take your time. Take your time.
这里有我来就好 I'll be here. Finishing up. Yeah.
这里放好了 Here. That's set.
嘿 Hey.
你能来真好 I'm so glad you came.
你真漂亮 You look great.
你也很好看 花真漂亮 You look great. Nice flowers.
谢谢 不过花不是给你的 是给你奶奶的 Thank you. They're not for you. They're for your grandma.
- 奶奶 - 送您的 - Grandma. - There you go.
来的路上我自己摘的 小菜一碟 I picked them myself on the way over. No big deal.
上帝啊 她真好 God. She is so sweet.
我知道你这么漂亮是遗传谁了 I see where you get your looks from.
- 你真是不要脸 -嗯 - Shameless of you. - Yeah.
怎么了 我又没说要跟你奶奶上床 What? I'm not trying to have sex with your grandma.
恶心死了 Gross.
除非她有意跟我 ？ Unless you think she's into it.
- 我不觉得她 - 她想我就上 奶奶等我 - Don't think she's... - Then maybe I will. Grandma!
- 别这样嘛 - 我开玩笑的 - Don't... He may be into it. - I'm just kidding.
我就是这么一说 All right. I'm just saying.
如果我跟她两代之间发生关系 可能还能生出你哦 Like,in two generations I could be responsible for making you again.
- 好了 - 很科学的哦 - Okay. -It's called science.
明明是很恶心 It's called disgusting.
米奇和杰森会来吗？ So are Mikey and Jason coming?
估计不来了吧 No,I don't think they're gonna make it this year.
亲爱的 对不起 我回来晚了 Babe,I'm so sorry. I know I'm late.
- 交通太糟糕了 - 节假日嘛 - Traffic was awful. -It's a holiday.
嘿 Hi.
火鸡太美妙了 The turkey looks beautiful!
红酒也是我喜欢的 And you got the red I like.
我做的一切都是按照你喜欢的样子来的 I made everything just how you like it.
我知道 I know you did.
红酒很柔和 This red is so smooth.
我不知道 对我来说味道有些不平衡 I don't know. It feels a little off balance to me.
怎么了？ Yeah? What do you mean?
我不知道 有些味道不对劲 I don't know. Like something doesn't belong.
可能要多接触一会空气 Maybe it needs to breathe a little.
可能是因为巧克力的后调 It has,like,a chocolate undertone.
你对这种味道不适应吧 Maybe you're just reacting to that flavor.
或者因为你还在跟哈罗德上床 我不知道 Or maybe 'cause you're still fucking Harold. I can't tell.
你知道他的外套还在衣柜里挂着吗 You know his jacket is still in the closet?
挺不错的外套 但是为什么会在你的衣柜里？ It's a great jacket. Why's it in the fucking closet?
我们就不能好好吃个饭吗？ Can we please just enjoy this?
我一直都在假装什么都没变 I've been trying to pretend that things haven't changed.
但是事情一直在变 Things have changed.
那我们现在这是干什么？ Then what are we doing?
我们在干什么？ What are we doing?
我们在一起挺高兴的 我不知道 We're having fun. I don't know.
"不知道"？ "I don't know"?
就这样？ That's it?
你不知道？ "I don't know"?
我们曾经拥有一切 We had everything we wanted.
不错的公寓 不错的工作 A great apartment. A great job.
你一年之内就能升职 我也进了急诊室 You're making partner in a year. I'm in the ER.
我们的选项都选好了 We checked each other's boxes!
为什么我们从来没谈过孩子的问题？ Why didn't we ever talk about kids?
因为我们根本看不见未来 你知道事实就是这样 It's because neither of us saw that future and you know that's true.
我该走了 Maybe I should go.
我想听你告诉我 I just need to hear you say it.
说啊 Just say it.
我不爱你了 I don't love you anymore.
午饭的时候我跟保罗说 So,I said to Paul,after our first lunch downtown,
我觉得你们俩真是太配了 I thought you two would be perfect for one another.
妈妈 Mom.
苏珊 说实话 我觉得 我跟谁在一起都行 Susan,to be honest,I feel like I'd be perfect with anybody.
跟你的女儿在一起 只是天时地利人和 You know,for your daughter,it was just right place at the right time.
就好像谷歌一样 You know,like working at Google.
你在谷歌工作？ You've got a job at Google?
没有 我只是在说 No. I was just... You know,that's not...
- 可能性 - 对 - Possible. - Right.
爸爸 丹尼尔刚才正在说他对于我来说 过于完美了 Daddy,Daniel was actually just telling Mom that he was too good for me.
- 没有 丹尼尔可没这么说 - 不是吗？ - No. Daniel wasn't. - Was that right?
你得把我的话放在特定语境里看 先生 Now there,you're... Well,you're taking it out of context,sir.
其实是反过来的意思 我是说我很幸运 It's the other way around. I'm very lucky.
淡定点 丹尼尔 我们都知道你对切尔西来说并没那么好 Calm down,Daniel. We know you're not too good for Chelsea.
- 保罗？- 爸爸？ - Paul? - Dad?
你能来我们很高兴 And well,we are very happy to have you here.
我能有个喝酒的伴了 I've got 3 grand on the Cowboys. I could use a drinking buddy.
我现在就很想喝了 Yeah,I'd love a drink right now.
- 我们快去喝酒吧 - 好的 - Let's get a drink! - Okay,great.
你看看你把孩子都吓跑了 You scared them away.
谢谢 Thanks.
咋了？ What?
自从你走进来以后 我就一直想把你的衣服扯掉 I have wanted to rip your clothes off ever since you walked into this party.
哦 奶奶 你的手上还有填料的味道 Oh,my God,Grandma! Your hands smell like stuffing!
等等 我不知道 我们在这里做合适吗？ Wait,wait. I don't know. Should we do this right now?
你不想跟我打炮？ What,you're gonna say no to sex?
不不不 我喜欢打炮 跟你打炮 No. I love sex. I love sex with you.
我是说 你全家人都在外面 But I'm saying,like,'cause your family's out there and stuff.
你爸爸还那么别扭 And your dad is kind of...
胆子别这么小 You know what? Maybe stop being such a pussy.
好吧 Okay.
你锁门了吗？ Did you lock the door?
我记得锁了 I think so.
你记得锁了还是你确定锁了？ You think so or you know so?
你在我后面进来的 你应该锁门的 You came in after me. You should have locked it.
安静 Quiet.
我估计是你奶奶 她来寻找我了 I think it's your grandma. She's coming for me.
我不该给她带那些花的 I knew I shouldn't have given her those flowers.
她来爱我了 She's coming for me.
上帝 搞毛啊？ Jesus. What the fuck?
上帝啊 - Okay. Hey. -Oh,my God!
- 嘿 哥们 - 你们他妈的在那里干啥呢？ - Hey,dude. - What the fuck are you doing in here?
别盯着我鸡鸡看 Don't look at my fucking dick,man!
天啊 你们是在打炮吗？ Oh,my God. You guys are fucking?
不是你想象的那样 It doesn't mean what you think it means.
- 不是吗？- 不是吗？ - It doesn't? -It doesn't?
不是的 No. It doesn't mean that.
那你怎么看我们两人之间的关系 丹尼尔？ What does our relationship mean to you,Daniel?
关系？你们两个恋爱了？ Relationship? You guys are in a relationship?
你没告诉他？ You didn't tell him?
你跟我说你告诉他了 你骗我 You told me you told him! You fucking lied to me.
这样情况看来 我确实是没告诉他 What I should have said in this situation was that I didn't.
- 当然了 - 我还没告诉他 - Of course. - I didn't tell him.
- 上帝啊 丹尼尔 - 我们没在约会 如果你想问这个 - Jesus Christ,Daniel. - We're not dating,okay? If that's what...
上帝啊 你去死吧 Oh,my God. Fuck you.
搞毛？ What the fuck?
- 搞什么？- 搞什么啊？ - What the fuck? - What the fuck?
对啊 搞毛 你来这干嘛？ What the fuck is right! What are you doing here?
上帝啊 有没有人锁门的？ Jesus! Does no one in this house lock a door?
- 你干嘛去了？- 跟维拉一起 - Where are you coming from? - I was with Vera.
- 什么？- 什么？ - What the fuck? - What the fuck?
你的前妻？ Your ex-wife?
- 你干嘛跟维拉在一起？- 我想修复跟她的关系 - Why were you with Vera? -'Cause I was trying to work it out.
不过现在都结束了 But it's over now.
- 天啊 - 嘿 兄弟 - Oh,my God. - Hey,man.
没穿裤子的别抱我 Do not hug me with no pants on.
好吧 我尊重你 You're right. Respect. Respect.
你干嘛要试着修复跟维拉的关系？ What were you doing trying to work it out with Vera?
因为我一直就这样 杰森 我试着修补任何事 Because that's what I do,Jason. I try to make things work.
你从来都不修补任何事 But you wouldn't know anything about that
你就只会为了自己 'cause you always playing shit safe.
不是的 我们有约定 No. Because we had a deal.
- 我们都要保持单身 - 等等 什么单身？ - We were staying single. - Wait. Single?
说来话长了 我们待会再聊 It's a long story. We'll talk about it later.
因为你们俩个的谎言 我错过了那场葬礼 I didn't go to a funeral. You both lied to me
我为了你们两个 我是为了你们才没去葬礼的 I did that for you. I did that for both of you.
等等 你怎么是为了我们 Wait,wait,wait. You didn't do any of this shit for us.
你做事情都是为了你自己的 You do everything for you.
你想让我们跟你杰森一样 You want us to be just like Jason.
我就是不想像你一样 And I can't think of anything I want more than to be nothing like you.
你妻子跟别人上床 你却把气撒到我身上 Your wife fucked some other dude and you're mad at me.
- 兄弟 - 你再说一遍？ - Man. - You wanna say that again?
她可能现在正在上那男人呢 She might still be fucking this dude.
停下 别打了 快出去 Stop it. You guys,stop it! Get the fuck out!
别打了 Stop. Come on,man.
- 你鸡鸡碰到我了 - 对不起 - Your dick is touching me,man! - I'm sorry.
知道吗 你们去死吧 You know what? Fuck you guys!
我现在要回到自己的生活里去 我的花名册 我自己享乐 I can go back to my life! My roster,my fun!
所有我喜欢的事 除了你们两个 All my shit! And do it without you!
我们说好了 保持单身不谈恋爱的 Okay? We weren't getting into relationships! That was the deal!
我这么做 只是为了 It really wasn't about anything other than
和我两个最好的朋友重新在一起 having my two best friends and I back together again.
就这么简单 That was it.
看看你们现在摊上的烂事 Now look at the shit you guys are in!
你真可悲 You're a sad man.
去死吧 米奇 Yeah. Fuck you,Mikey.
哇 Wow.
各位 感恩节快乐 happy Thanksgiving,everyone.
真是一年中特别的时刻 Such a special time of year.
艾莉？ Ellie?
嘿 Hey.
我想 Hey,look,I'd love to.
想干嘛？ Love to what?
一起喝杯咖啡 聊一聊 Get a coffee. Talk for a few hours.
- 之后或许喝点酒？- 杰森 - Get a drink after. Maybe some tequila? - Jason.
什么 你刚才没这么说吗？ What? Is that not what you just said?
我发誓 我听见你说你想 I could have sworn I just heard you say that you wanted to...
杰森 Jason.
怎么了？ What?
在我最需要你的时候 You weren't there for me.
你没有来陪我 On a day when I really,really needed you.
在别人需要的时候去陪她 And being there for someone when they need you?
这才是恋爱 杰森 That's all relationships are,Jason.
爱情就是这样 That's all they are.
你还好吗？ You Okay?
我很好 Yeah,I'm fine.
我只是 I just can't...
忍不住去想她 Can't stop thinking about what she's doing.
虽然我不在她家 Like,when I'm not there.
我仍然知道她家里沙发是什么样子 I know what the couch looks like at her place.
我总是想象 别的人坐在那沙发上会是什么样子 I just can't stop imagining the different people that are all sitting on it.
别的男人 A guy-
不一样的男人 A different guy.
新的男人 A new guy-
任何男人 但不是我 Just every guy but me.
他们坐在那沙发上 Sitting on that couch.
听上去你得打一炮 Well,it sounds to me like you just need to get laid.
我知道这听起来很疯狂 I know this is gonna sound crazy.
- 那就别说了 - 不行 - Then don't say it. - No.
这样一来 可能听上去更疯狂了 This is gonna sound even more crazy,given the new information.
你听着 No,listen.
不好意思 我做不到 I'm sorry. I can't do this.
什么？ Wow. What?
我还没忘记别的人 I'm just still getting over someone.
拜托 你真的认真谈恋爱了？ Come on. You're gonna go full-girl with it?
我觉得自己犯了个大错 I think I made a terrible mistake.
我知道自己很自私 自大 疏远 而且情商为负 I know I can be selfish,arrogant,distant and emotionally retarded.
你还是别说了 我知道 I'm just gonna stop you right there because
你要说的话跟我们要做的没有任何关系 whatever it is that you're doing right now is not what we do.
我只想找人谈谈 I just needed somebody to talk to.
杰森？ Jason?
你没有朋友吗？ Don't you have any friends?
配起来还挺好吃 These actually do go together.
真没想到啊 Didn't see that coming.
对不起 I'm sorry.
知道啦 I know.
我只是 I just...
我不知道 我喜欢出去高高兴兴地玩 I don't know,to be honest,I'm having so much fun hanging out,you know,
追女孩子 然后约炮 and chasing girls. And doing the thing and...
-"约炮"？- 是 我很怀念这一切 -"Doing the thing"? - Yeah,I miss that.
如果我跟切尔西在一起的话 我就无法做到这些了 And I'm not gonna be able to do that if I'm with Chelsea.
你知道的 You know that.
我知道 I know.
好吧 Okay.
跟她说说你是怎么想的 Go tell her how you feel.
- 搞得大点 - 好 - Go make a scene. - Yeah.
- 弄出个公众奇观 - 好 - Make a public spectacle. - Yeah.
声势壮大一点 跟电影里一样 Dude. Go big. Do it like the movies.
对 像电影里一样 Like the movies. Yeah.
- 就像《甜心先生》 - 我喜欢那电影 - Like Jerry Maguire. - I love that movie.
- 我也喜欢 - 好电影 - I love that movie,man! - So good.
- "你跟我说你好的时候我就沦陷了" - 啥？ -"You had me at hello." - What?
- 别那么说 好吗？- 对不起 - Don't ever do that again. Okay? - Sorry.
跟她说说你喜欢她什么地方 But tell me what you love about her,man!
- 你喜欢她什么地方？- 我喜欢她笑起来的样子 - What do you love about her? - I love the way she laughs.
我喜欢她假笑的样子 因为她知道我喜欢她笑 I like the way she fake laughs when she knows that I need it.
- 很好 - 我喜欢我们上床的时候 - Yes. - I love the way we fit together in bed.
我们一样高 所以我们上起来很舒服 Because we're the same height,our crotches line up perfectly.
太好了 That's really good.
我太喜欢这一点了 I love that about it!
我知道 这几率得有多少啊？ I mean,what are the chances,right?
我喜欢她早晨醒来的样子 I love the way that she looks in the morning.
就是她睁开眼睛的那一刻 Like at that exact moment when she wakes up,
她的眼皮像蝴蝶翅膀一样张开 and her eyes just open like two little butterflies.
- 小小的 - 我喜欢这个 - Two little... - I love that!
我也许喜欢 I love that!
- 就说嘛 - 不过我不会告诉她这个的 - Yeah,man. - But I wouldn't go there.
- 好吧 是有点过了 - 对 - Yeah,I wouldn't do that. - Okay.
- 快去告诉她吧 - 我要去了 - So run and tell her that. - I'm gonna go.
不要搞成《恋恋笔记本》那样 但是一定要去告诉她 Don't go all Notebook with it. But run and tell her that.
- 我要去了 - 快去 - I'm doing it. - Do it.
- 我要去了 - 快去 - I'm doing it. - Do it,man.
- 我现在就要去了 - 去吧 - I'm going. - Let's do it.
- 我要去了 - 你已经去了 - I'm gonna do it! - Man,you're doing it!
哦 糟糕 Oh,shit!
噢 天啊 Oh,my God!
- 哥们？- 快报警啊 - Dude? - Someone call 911!
你已经尿了四袋了 你一定脱水了 You took,like,four bags of fluid. You were severely dehydrated.
有点教养好吗 You need to be housebroken.
你做了些什么啊？ I mean,what the hell were you doing?
我在跑 I was running.
干嘛要跑？ Why?
我 Because I...
很抱歉 I'm sorry.
真的真的很抱歉 我是要跑着去告诉你我很抱歉 I'm really,really sorry. I was running to tell you that I'm sorry.
我应该告诉他们两个 我们在约会 And I should have told these guys that we were dating.
- 一开始我就跟他这么说嘛 - 我们一直在说服他 - From the beginning,I told him that. - We tried to convince him the whole time.
切尔西 我要跟你约会 I want to date you,Chels.
真正的约会 Like... Like,really date you.
我也想跟你约会 I want that,too.
你真傻 You're such an idiot.
我走了 I'm out.
我一直在想你会不会打电话来 I was wondering if you'd call.
所以呢？ So?
我想跟你见个面 I'd love to see you.
不过这也过了太久了吧 No,seriously,that took forever.
我也想再见到你 I'd love to see you again.
我就是这意思嘛 That's what I'm talking about.
不过说真的 谁约人会等这么久啊？ Honestly? Who waits that long?
是我的错 Yeah,that was my fault.
该死的红帽子男 Fucking guy in the red hat.
你他妈的是谁呢？ Who the fuck are you?
让我来找找你的照片 Let's find more pictures of you.
就是你了 Bingo.
我要把你查清楚 Let's fucking look you up.
比尔 Bill.
威廉·麦特森 餐馆老板吗 What? William Matherson,restaurateur.
真是个垃圾啊 What a piece of shit this guy is.
照片真恶心 Oh,my God. Dude.
说真的 我现在觉得你们两人这种 I mean,honestly,I just find it disgusting.
享受单身的生活非常恶心 The way that you guys embrace the single life.
找女人？寻欢作乐？ The women? The carousing?
寻欢作乐？你谁啊？加里格兰特吗？ Carousing? Who are you? Cary Grant?
你自己才谈了两分钟的恋爱 You've been in a relationship all of two minutes.
就正义感爆棚了哦 And he is already a righteous asshole.
反正我现在恋爱了 Guys,look,I'm just in love and shit.
才意识到你们两个有多恶心 And I've had a lot of time to sit and realize how disgusting both of you are.
- 尤其是你 杰森 - 我呢？ - Mostly you,Jason. - What about me?
你也够恶心的 You're the worst. You're pretty disgusting,too.
- 够恶心的 - 我就知道 - You're gross. - I'm a killer.
你搞什 你是不是 What the... Did you...
- 你是不是在艾莉的脸书上给她发搞笑视频了？- 没有 - Did you post a funny video on Ellie's wall? - No.
你发了 我现在正看着呢 杰森 Yes,you did,because I'm looking at it right now,Jason!
等下 只是搞笑的视频 还是搞笑又萌的视频？ What is it,funny cute? Or is it just funny?
搞笑又萌的 杰森 你真是娘爆了 It is funny cute! Jason,you pussy!
你给她发萌视频？ You funny cute videoed her?
我 是吧 我不知道 我不知道自己干了啥 I... Yes. I guess. I don't freaking know... I don't know what I'm doing,man.
我觉得你爱上她了 Hey,man. I think he loves her.
- 我觉得这就是爱啊 - 绝对是爱 - I think that's love! -It sounds like love to me.
- 我不知道 也许是吧 - 什么叫你不知道？ - I don't know,man. I don't know. Maybe I do. - What do you mean,you don't know?
- 快去告诉她啊 - 必须告诉她 - Well,then you have to tell her. - You have to.
- 肯定有趣又萌 - 或许我是该告诉她 - It'll be funny cute. - Maybe I should tell her.
正好应了你的口味 你就喜欢萌的 Which is right up your alley. You love that shit.
不好笑啊 混蛋 Asshole.
我不知道去哪里 I don't even know where to...
她现在干什么呢？我们一起去找她 What's she doing? Let's stop by her place. Where's she at right now?
每个月的第三个周二 她有一场读书会 Third Tuesday of the month. She's at one of her readings.
你有点像跟踪狂了 That... That was some stalker shit.
太变态了吧 That's creepy.
对她的行踪一清二楚 It's creepy that you know that.
- 她的读书会有人去吗？- 没有人去 - I mean,does anybody go? - No! Nobody ever goes.
- 从来都没人去？- 没人 - Nobody ever shows up? - Nobody.
好吧 这次你就要做 Well,then,you are going to be the guy
去她读书会的那个人 who shows up.
我们缓慢前行，父亲的手搭在车轮上 "We pounded along,my father's hand on top of the wheel."
你不是说从来没人来吗？ Nobody ever shows up.
确实是的 Yeah.
蝙蝠从眼前划过，冲向天空 "I watched the bats crackle and plunge against the sky.
他们不知道这是哪儿 "They never knew here.
他们只知道目的地 "They only knew the echo of there."
谢谢 Thank you.
谢谢 雷·弗洛森 Thank you,Ray Floreson.
我得做点什么 I have to do something.
大家有问题吗？ Does anybody have any questions?
- 我该怎么办？- 随便做点什么 - What should I do? - Something.
我也想分享一下 Yeah. I have something that I would like to read.
我的小说 From my novel.
这里不是随便分享自己作品的地方 It's not really the kind of place where you can share from your own work.
谢谢你 站在这里很荣幸 Thank you very much. Honor to be here.
你念的很不错 This is good.
跟在你后面我压力很大啊 Tough act to follow.
不要在意 Then don't.
我是你的书迷 I'm a big fan of your work.
真抱歉 I'm so sorry. I...
没关系 请读吧 No. Please.
接下来 那人要请她喝酒 And then the other guy asked to buy her a drink,
这时杰森正好走上来 right as Jason walked up.
于是她问那人 And so she asked that guy,
"如果我喜欢你给我的酒呢？ "What happens if I enjoy the drink?
"接下来会发生什么？" "What happens then?"
那人假装他对答案一无所知 于是她就告诉了他 And he pretended not to know the answer. So she told him.
她说 她会跟他的朋友在这间糟糕的酒吧里 She asked if they would play beer pong
玩啤酒杯乒乓球 in that shitty bar with his friends
然后跟他回到在莫里山的住所 until they headed back to his place in Murray Hill.
她还说 他们睡觉的时候 She asked if they'd have to listen to his roommate
得听着他的两个室友 fuck Hilary or Emily,or whatever her name was
跟希拉里还是艾米丽之类的姑娘上床的声音 till they fell asleep.
一年后 他们还是会在同样的酒吧 And she asked him if a year later,they'd still be there in that bar.
唯一不同的是 那时候他多了一份对婚姻和做父亲的恐惧 The only difference being that now he feels pressure to get married
因为他知道她想要结婚和孩子 and have kids,because he thinks that that's what she wants.
夏天的时候 And then in the summers,
他们会开车到糟糕的汉普顿 they would drive up to the shitty Hamptons.
去跟他糟糕的父母度假 To meet his shitty parents.
在整条路上都会担心他的父母会不会 认为她不够漂亮 Wondering the entire ride if they'd think that she was pretty enough.
还有聪明 Smart.
在整条路上都会担心他的父母会不会 认为她不够漂亮 Wondering the entire ride if they think she's smart enough.
没人能达到她的标准 Because no one was.
永远没人 And no one ever will be.
杰森现在明白了 And Jason knew that now.
他愿意放弃一切 回到当初的那个瞬间 And he would give anything to go back to that moment.
他们相见的那个瞬间 在一切都还没出错之前 The moment where they first met. Before anything went wrong.
在她最需要的时候他却没出现之前 Before he didn't show up for her when she needed him most.
在他明白爱情就是在彼此最艰难的时候 Before he understood that being there for somebody
去陪伴对方之前 when it's most difficult is really all that relationships are.
杰森现在明白了 Jason knew that now.
他对自己之前做的一切感到非常抱歉 And he was so sorry for what he had done.
但是杰森也意识到 之前自己不怕 But Jason also realized that in that moment,
因为他觉得 he wasn't afraid,because he
她不是自己的唯一 thought she wasn't the one.
而现在他非常怕失去她 因为他知道 她就是自己的唯一 He was absolutely terrified,because he knew she was.
他希望她能够再给他一次机会 And if she could give him just one more chance,
就一次 just one more chance,
她知道去哪儿找他 she knew where to find him.
现在是二月中旬的某个凌晨 两点十八分 It's 2:18 in the morning in the middle of February.
我已经在公园长凳上 坐了将近四个小时 I've been sitting on a park bench for almost four hours.
我他妈的快要冻死了 I'm fucking freezing.
我干嘛要坐在这里？ Why am I sitting here?
坐在这条长凳上？ Why am I still sitting on this bench?
那么？ So?
后面有花絮
翻译：RioLiv @ 围脖
我不知道你还会变色哦 I didn't know you could change colors!
别说了行嘛 Just stop.
你的鸡鸡好像一只悲伤的长颈鹿 Your dick looks like a sad giraffe.
- 你的鸡鸡好像剃了毛的火腿 - 够了 - Your dick looks like a shaved hamster. - Stop.
你们能别说了吗？ Can you guys 8100'?
你的鸡鸡好像我的鸡鸡 Your dick looks like my dick
如果你的鸡鸡再大点再黑点就更像了 if it were bigger and blacker.
停 Cut!
你在脸书上粉了那姑娘吗 米奇？ Did you friend that girl yet,Mikey?
对啊 我告诉《时尚》杂志的那个助理 Yeah. I told that assistant at Vogue
我不能跟她出去因为我还要拉屎呢 I couldn't hang out with her 'cause I was taking a shit.
哇哦 看看我胳膊上这块吓人的淤青 Whoa. Look at that fucking crazy bruise on my arm.
看到了吗？ You see that bruise?
这可是演技的结晶啊 It's from fucking acting,bro.
对咯 Yeah.
把你整了吧 Fuck you up.
等下 我把这镜毁了 我们再拍一次好吗？ Wait,I'm fucking this up. Can we just do this one more time?
走了 Let it go.
那是因为你是假尿 没拿出真鸡鸡来 It's 'cause you're holding your imaginary dick the whole time.
可能就是因为这个吧 我能真尿吗？ That might be it. Can I just whip it out?
迈克 我们都知道你一向都是两手并用的 Mike,we all know you're a two-hander. So just,you know...
该死 他太了解我 Oh,shit. He knows me.
那不是我真的乳头 不是我的 是假的 That's not a nipple. That's not my... That's a fake.
贴纸而已 我没有长那样的乳头 That's a sticker. I don't have nipples like that.
也许我是有史以来最好的口活接受者 有史以来 So maybe I'm the best ever receiving blowjob... Ever.
妈的 At receiving. Fucking mother sucker.
也许我是最好的有史以来的口活接受 So maybe I'm the best ever at receiving blow...
- 这句台词里根本没有"有史以来"这个词 - 真的吗？ - There are no "evers" in the whole thing. - What?
你们能不能把词儿写在她脑门上啊？ Can we just write it on her fucking head?
也许我是最好的有史以来 Maybe I'm the best ever.
不对 没有"有史以来" No. No "ever."
她可能给过我有史以来 在口活史上最好的口活 Probably gave me the best blowjob ever,in the recorded history of blowjobs.
应该是"她给了我大概是口活史上最好的口活" "And she gave me perhaps the best blowjob in recorded history."
没有"有史以来" There's no "ever."
你干嘛呢？ What are you doing?
什么也没干啊 I ain't doing nothing.
你在干吗啊 Yes,you are.
我真的什么也没干 我保证 我只是演得很开心而已 I promise. I'm acting satisfied. Okay? Jeez.
哦 上帝啊 Oh,God.
"打炮吗"？ "Doing the thing"?
对啊 我很怀念这一切 如果跟切尔西约会我就做不到这一切了 Yeah,I miss that. And I'm not gonna be able to do that if I'm with Chelsea.
我会很怀念跟你分享同一次口活的 I'm gonna miss,like,sharing a mouth with you.
我非常怀念啊 I miss that so much,man.
那边有狗仔啊 There's the paparazzi!
不可能啊 No way!
天啊 他们都不看迈尔斯的 Oh,my God! They're not even pointed at Miles!
混蛋 Asshole!
老兄 没人关心我哟 Nobody cares about me,bro!
我可能是喝多了 I might be really fucked up.
不过我觉得《火线》里的奥马尔正坐在我们的沙发上呢 But I think Omar from The Wire is sitting on our couch.
哇 真的是他诶 It's him! It's him!
耶 Yes!